Wendster's Blog

I used to write daily??? lol

2012-01-06T17:11:00.000-08:00

Goodness. What *did* I talk about?

Been thinking about punctuality and what it takes to make it happen. Noticed that this morning I DIDN'T do what it took to make it happen, lol. Clung to my mattress for dear life! Still made it to work early, but didn't make it to Basil's father's house at the agree'd on time.

It takes reverse thinking. And getting up early, apparently. lol. I can do it! I can. I can!

Oooooh! I decorated my planner and am putting the new planner pages in. I am excited about that. Can't wait to show it to you. I will do that very very shortly.

Hugs!

another day in 'paradise'

2012-01-06T00:14:00.001-08:00

... just sayin'. ;)

Another post? So soon?

2012-01-05T00:06:00.001-08:00

. . . . . NOT Three Kings Bread. But isn't it cute???

I am toying with the idea of regular posts again.

I had a lovely staff meeting with my staffers for the upcoming Youth event, and we had such a lovely time sharing our "vinegar" words. Vinegar is that little bit of sour that makes the potato salad mayonaisse taste so wonderful. And it's the little character traits in ourselves that we'd often prefer to hide from others. "I don't want anyone to know that I'm: _______" (tardy! ruthless! impatient! etc.) but those traits have their "pay offs" so we keep on using them.

We also had some Pan de Reyes? Three Kings Bread, which had three little baby figurines in it. If you get the slice of bread with the figurine, you throw the next party. I like throwing parties, but I did not get the figurine. I will be pleased to attend the party, however.

I had a very enjoyable afternoon with Hans Banans, typing up her manuscript. She is writing the great American novel. I love to read it as I type it. She is amazing with dialogue. It just rolls off of her tongue and her characters come alive for me while I read. I hope she *is* the next great American author.

I am feeling more and more firm about the punctuality and the planning. Yup. I'd like to know what it feels like to walk in to every room EARLY. Thanks for the comments, too. I think I *would* get farther in life if I were a planner/punctual person. And it would be more considerate of me too. I've gotten as far as thinking that arriving tardy is a "rebellion" thing. A childhood of strict obedience has led me to rebel in the "little" things. Maybe. Just one theory.

Night all.

I will probably write tomorrow.

I will visit soon, too.

January 3rd, 2012

2012-01-03T23:30:00.000-08:00

This is "Mr. Wonderful"

This is "us".

The backside of "Mr. Wonderful".

It's the New Year! If you know me at all you *know* I love the new year. The new year follows close on the heels of my favorite Christmas movie: A Christmas Carol, where-in Scrooge gets the most incredible gift anyone could ever get, in my opinion. NOT the chance to look at his life ... but THROUGH that look at his life, the ability to SEE who he has been and who he has become ... and the actual effect he has on the people around him. When he sees how they see him, he is finally able to see who he IS rather than who he THOUGHT he was, or intended to be.

THAT is the gift. And as you all know ... THAT is the thing that lights me on fire every year as I look back at the former year and forward to the new year: What new thing do I know about myself this year? What new thing can I implement (or perhaps re-implement an old thing that was really working) that would create better results? better health? better relationships? better financial situations/opportunities?

I'm going to give myself til week's end to finalize my decision. I bet you a nickel, however, that the two things I am going to choose are one: PLANNING (like ... in my day planner ... actual PLANNING in ADVANCE. Currently I do it for work and for the schedule with Basil ... but that's it. I'm sure I could have a better flow to my day if I just sat and planned how I wanted that ENTIRE day to go.) and two: PUNCTUALITY. I actually chose it last year and made some serious efforts towards it ... until I noticed a few months later that it was completely OFF of my radar, which is an interesting notice ... because what would take it off of my radar? What is my deal with punctuality? I really don't WANT to go anywhere that doesn't have a flexible beginning time. Why is that?

Curious.

I would learn some very curious things about myself, I think, if I swam in the waters of "punctual" and if nothing else, just saw how that made me feel. It might bring up things for me that make me understand why I'm "anti" fixed start times. And I am. It's not like I don't understand the need for fixed event times. Clearly we need them. And I honor them. I go to work relatively on time. I pick up and drop off my son relatively on time. But I don't excel at it and I don't seem to want to. But why?

I am sure Dr. Phil would say: Just behave your way out of it! You could psycho analyze it or you could just DO it. Just GO to work early. Just drop off your boy EARLY. Just DO it.

I'm going to think about it til Saturday. I can tell you, though, that punctuality and planning are the two things I have found myself the MOST resistant to in my life. However, when I plan I am nigh unstoppable. I'm already pretty good with the plates I have spinning ... however, when I planned? I was painting for an hour first thing each morning. I was doing things that I SAID I had wanted to do but had not done. When I plan I FIND the time for preferred activities AND required activities.

Who knows how I would feel about being perfectly punctual everywhere I go because I have NEVER done that. What a victory that would be to understand it and master it.

In the meanwhile, I promised PHOTOS. Photos of ME and MR. WONDERFUL. But I also promised Mr. Wonderful to honor his privacy. So ... what I have posted here are some photos that will give you a "taste" of us .... but that won't give you a CLUE as to his identity ... at least .... I don't believe they will.

Enjoy. Life is good. I have lots of work and I am enjoying being in this relationship with Mr. Wonderful. He is truly a good man and he is incredibly considerate of me and sweet to me, and based on the way we affect each other and the way he responds to me, I feel like I am truly good for him. We cheer each other on. We ask each other the hard questions. We cooperate. We communicate. We problem solve. We delve. And we adore each other.

Thank you Universe.

Thank you God.

I feel thankful.

And feeling thankful always spurs me on to find what more I can do. What can I give? How can I improve? Much has been given me. I want to give back. I'll be better at *that* if I am "streamlined". Hence .... the New Year's resolutions.

By the way: The health resolutions I waited all the way to March to set for myself? The sit ups, side ups, bicycles, leg lifts, and stretches? I did them EVERY day except for labor day (I forgot! went to a concert and came home and fell asleep!) and except for one week in September when I was really ill and it just hurt too much to do them. It felt wise to take that week off and let my body recuperate. Other than those two exceptions, I did ten of each of those EVERY DAY OF EVERY MONTH from the time I started them in March. And I feel good about that. I'm still doing them at the moment. I imagine I will keep them. I will tell you this weekend.

147.5 Christmas is coming

2011-12-07T00:50:00.000-08:00

..... but some days I just feel like saying: BAH. Humbug.

..... today isn't *ONE* of those days ... lol! I'm just sayin'. Those days are out there. And I've been in kiiiiiind of a bah humbug mood at least as it applies to Christmas. I'm not feeling the commercial thing. I'm wanting the traditions! I want to make Klaners! I want to ride the Santa Train! And by golly ... I am going to DO those things! At least the Santa Train. Klaners fall apart without gluten based flour, so far as I can tell.

Me and Mr. Wonderful are pretty dang wonderful. He is an UBER private person, and I think I can respect his privacy and STILL put up a photo or two. Like .... our happily entwined hands. Our backs. Hey. It's something. Stay tuned.

How are you all? I have been job hunting. I HAVE a job and I like it. But I'm always looking for more of them. The best time to look for a job is when you have one. You never know when you will find something *additional* to what you are doing.

I hope your Decembers are going along in a lovely way.

I think of you often and think of writing often. We'll get there eventually. :) xoxoxooxox!

2011-10-28T21:55:00.001-07:00

Hi all! Just checking in to say I am fine, well, and happy and Mr. Wonderful is still wonderful! :) working on artwork this weekend...!
Happy Halloween!!!!!

152 Pumpkin Patch

2011-10-13T21:38:00.001-07:00

Today our homeschooling field trip was a trip to the pumpkin patch! (In answer to DeEtta's question: Yes, homeschooling. No, I'm not back in school :)) It was 96 degrees outside, hence the hats, but we still had a lot of fun and managed to find some shade to hang out in. Glad we brought our water bottles!

154 I ate SO much candy last night!

2011-10-12T20:46:00.000-07:00

Well .... so much candy for ME. I had three molasses chips, and two See's samples! I betcha a nickel there was something else, too. Oh yeah! Then I had some really stale gummi bears. I betcha a dime I ate TEN of them.

Then I passed out.

Then I visited your blogs in my sleep. Except for the ones I forgot to sleepwalk to. I think that was Speedy's blog. But then I dreamed I was driving a giant chicken with bacon reigns who layed golden eggs with chocolate inside .... and one of the eggs had a little dog named Mardy inside of it. I'll drop him in the mail to you Speedy friend. And I'll stop by your blog soon. REALLY soon.

But right now, I HAVE to go for a walk! I'm stir crazy. Been in the house all day watching tutorials on how to use the online school system. Then a forty minute video on internet safety .... but it takes two hours to watch because the timer only runs while the video is playing. It stops every time it expects that you were watching it and so it asks you a question to confirm understanding. I wish it would quit doing that. I'm listening. Really. Just not looking at the screen sometimes, which is prompting me to click on things.

And now I am prompting me to go walk around my block. Need the fresh air!

100 degreesish here today. Mighty warm for October.

p.s. Still in love. Best boyfriend EVER.

150 New job

2011-09-27T00:26:00.000-07:00

"Job hunting"

I think I told you all that I got a new job. Caring for a lovely little senior lady one mile from my home on weekends. I just interviewed for a "nanny" job about ten-fifteen miles from home and I reeeeaaaalllly LIKE the Mom. She is widowed and has a 3 1/2 yr old boy and an almost 5 yr old boy. Very intelligent and very much involved in her children's lives. I am going to try out a day working for her tomorrow and see how the fit is ... but initially it looks good .... and she is willing to be flexible with my schedule, so it's looking kind of good to me.

OK. I intended to go to bed an hour ago, but somehow came to my blog instead and started reading old posts.

All is well here and I hope all is well with you as well. I will visit your blogs THIS week, I promise. And I am looking forward to it.

Hugs! xoxoxoxo

152 Someone

2011-09-21T12:45:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone :)

I met someone who *really* makes me smile.

You would like him. He is a gentleman, incredibly intelligent, funny, gentle with my feelings, and he is good to people .... like the people that some people don't bother being nice to? He's amazing with those people (waiters, boxboys etc). We have a lot going for us and I will update you more later.

I love you guys! You are the best bloggy friends a girl could ever have.

oops! deleted comments!

2011-09-02T15:55:00.000-07:00

LOLOLOL! I thought that those comments I was deleting in that weird folder I found on my dashboard deleted the comments from THAT FOLDER! Not from my blog! I DO apologize for deleting your comments. Dang it! I love your comments. I am bummed that I deleted about 100 of them.
Please forgive me. Techinical error.

I love you!

156 bikes and thoughts

2011-09-02T14:31:00.000-07:00

First I want to say that I have been riding my bicycle almost every morning and LOVING it! OMG! Monday I rode down the biggest hill and then BACK UP IT!!! But did the low grade LONG uphill out on the main road .... didn't ride back up that gigantic slalom hill that I rode down. What a rush! Wind rushing through my hair ... wondering if a little rock in the road could dislodge me. lol oh my! Rode again this morning and did THREE little neighborhoods around my neighborhood ... and since EVERYTHING around here is hills, it was strenous and fun. Loved it. Then, as always, did my sit ups, side ups, bicycles, hip ups, leg ups, push ups, and stretches. It's all about UP baby. ha ha ha
Laying there recovering from my exhilaration from the exercise I had a thought:
What does the WAY BACK look like?
As you know, in Blog 2 we have been talking about the concept of "damage". Is it possible for a person to actually BE damaged? Damaged to the point of not being able to recover? Speedcat offered up some really good insights and I was thinking about this one in particular: A person recovering from a traumatic childhood might NOT recognize, even later as an adult, whether their choices are healthy and taking them good places or whether they are still the old thought patterns, generated by the harm done them as a child. Very VERY good question.
Two things come to mind.
The dog study. I may have the details wrong. But here's the idea:

Scientists put a dog in a cage that is shock free. 100x. Dog ALWAYS chooses shock free side of the cage. (it's the only thing available but I guess they are setting the "control" for the study)

Scientists put same dog in a cage that is half shock and half shock-free. 100x. Dog consistently chooses the shock free side of the cage.

Scientists put same dog in a cage that shocks him everywhere he goes. No shock free area is available. 100x. First 20 or so times the dog attempts to flee and find shock free area ... but eventually the dog just goes in to the cage and lays down. Does not attempt to locate shock free zone anymore.

Scientists put same dog into half and half cage again. Half shock half shock-free. 100x. The dog chooses .... ? THE SHOCK SIDE! Consistently. Every time. Does not make any effort to find the shock free side or REMAIN on the shock free side EVEN WHEN the scientists place him in the shock free side to begin with. The dog consistently leaves for the shock side.

WHY????

Findings: The scientists had to place the dog in the shock free side of the cage MORE than 100x before the dog would BEGIN to make an effort on his own to find the shock free side.
Second finding: brain dyes were taken of the dog's brain before and after the shock exposures. The second/post brain dyes showed NEW NEURAL PATHWAYS had been generated. We can infer that these were generated from the experience the dog had gone through.
Inference: Behaviors are not just things we do, behaviors actually form neural pathways! The more often you repeat the behavior the larger the neural pathway it forms.
From THAT we can infer, and the study stated, that for an unhealthy behavior to be altered the person exhibiting the unhealthy behavior needs HELP. They CAN'T make the healthy choice without some intervention.
So we can infer that each of us needs the help/intervention of our friends or professionals or SOME outside source to get us to the point of AWARENESS that we are making an unhealthy choice.

I have heard some experts say that two things, at least, can provide this intervention.

PERTURBATION

Perturbation is defined, as I recall, as the process of "hitting bottom" and the forces that that downward spiral exert upon us. These professionals insist that perturbation is THE thing that helps people turn around, IF it is allowed to run it's course. But even interrupted, if we let the person who is making bad choices MAKE the bad choices, their choices will bring the natural consequences of those choices and they will arrive at rock bottom. When the person hits rock bottom, it's not a WHAM ... it's a BOING!!! They begin their bounce back.
Drunks, for instance, often report hitting rock bottom. Hitting bottom is THE thing that opens their eyes to where they are/ their results (and allows them to accept/acknowledge that their life isn't working?) and THEN they are actually ABLE to make healthy choices on their own and begin the climb back up. Support is a good thing during this climb. RESCUING the drunk is a "BAD" thing. It delays the "hitting bottom" thing. They NEED to hit bottom.

The second thing that can provide intervention in the life of an "unhealthy" person?

INTERVENTION. AKA THE HELP OF OTHERS

Some times I really DON'T see my results. I am certain that I lived a life NOT seeing my results until 2005. In 2005 I went to a seminar where the instructor was just IN MY FACE. In ALL of our faces. And it was the best wake up call I ever had. That was my first BIG intervention! That's when it became clear to me that I hadn't ever seen my actual results ... I had seen what I INTENDED my results to be as what must BE my obvious results: "I intend for my children to be happy and I am dedicated to that so that MUST be the result I have now or soon WILL have if I just persevere." .... nope! My kids were miserable. What a shock that I couldn't see that! But I only needed to be told once. That's one thing I really DO love about me. Once I see it? I am ON IT. What a horrible and heart breaking wake up call.... especially since my intentions really WERE to create this wonderful happy family. That wake up call started me on the road to being able to notice one thing after another ... sometimes with other people pointing these things out (I attended a LOT of experiential seminars where a LOT of people were in my face. In my face with: see this sucky thing you are doing? and also with: Why do you carry such a big hammer??? Why do you beat yourself up??? You are amazing! I needed both of those pieces of information). I FEEL like I am on a ... recovery path? yes. But more of an "aware!" path! Like I can see so much more than I saw before ... and in the hands of someone who really WANTS to come from a life of contribution? Who really WANTS to be someone phenomenal? That's a valuable tool. Awareness. I have found "ugly's" in me and "stunning" in me. My positive affirmation is "I am stunning" ... and by that I mean ***I*** am stunning. An incredible person that God touched and will help and who can make a huge difference in the world. I actually DO believe that.

But there are always new things showing up that I hadn't noticed in myself previously, but I am glad that I can SEE them. That gives me a GREAT deal of hope, and makes me think this is because I am capable of dealing with them.

The newest thing on my radar? I never acknowledged that I was date raped (eleven years ago) until AFTER I met someone wonderful this summer and lost him. But while I was with him it was like someone set me in a greenhouse or something .... no ... that's not quite it .... in a nuclear reactor? I SWEAR TO YOU my MOLECULES RE-STACKED THEMSELVES! It FELT like the scientist scooped me up and set me on the non shock side for the 101st time and IIIII SHIFTED. I don't know where it came from. If it came from the guy? If it came from someone expressing love for me? (How long has it been since I *knew* someone loved me?! Why do you think I come here, to my blog, even after absences? I *DO* know that you guys love me. I really do. But it felt so .... needed ... in person.) Did it come from something the experience generated in myself....? I don't know. But I know it was real and I know that I see things differently and I feel them differently, which is the thing that convinces me that a NEW HUGE piece of my "blindness" is disintegrating now. Otherwise how could I see my past with this new POV? (point of view) What amazes me is that I COULDN'T see it until a few weeks ago.
SOOOOO .... I know this post is going on FOREVER ... but bare with me. bear? ... whatever.

THIS is THE THOUGHT I had this morning:

T H E * P A T H * B A C K

CAN I see my way back? Are my choices healthy? I have this weird gift that, yes, GOD gave me as a little girl. I called it then and I call it now "knowing" ... and when that feeling that I KNOW hits me, I KNOW the thing I am thinking is a thought I can trust. It's TRUTH. It might take me FOREVER to get to the point where I can see it, or get to it, but once I hit that point I KNOW it's a truth. and I see it in a "picture".

THIS is the thing that I saw in my mind:

I saw myself climbing out of a mine shaft, and the rest of it I just knew.

A person returning from a history of harm will have a different looking path than a person journeying from a history that was healthy/harm free. Their histories would have delivered them to different destinations! So the return journey would require different actions for each of them. So while one might look at the other and say: You are walking on a rocky road? That's not what MINE looks like! I don't think you are on the right path. But what if the harmed person's history dropped them down a mine shaft? Their return journey would look like climbing! And it would see a different value system instilled in that person! Their value would be on BREATHING. On finding the strength to climb. Finding sustenance. Finding a branch to grab. Whereas the healthy person might just be walking ... and their value would be on walking better/farther/without fail. Wearing better walking shoes. And they are not surrounded by darkness with a limited picture, they see the WHOLE picture. The person in the mineshaft sees a limited picture, but it DOES NOT MEAN THAT THEY AREN'T SEEING SOMETHING REAL FOR THEM. They can TRUST their vision. They SEE the sky. But once they get out? They will see it all. So their journey might look weird to someone else ...
Is this making sense?
That was the picture I saw.
I FEEL like I am on the right path NOW and I feel like my "weird" choices from last year are what brought me here!!! The only intuition I had last year was the only thing I had to go on. So I followed it, not knowing where it would take me, and not being able to defend it as a choice because I seriously doubt that ANYONE would see it as wise or healthy. But *I* *M*A*Y* *B*E* in a place where I have to undo neural pathways! Maybe neural pathways so developed and hearty have to have something WEIRD happen to them to shrink them? OH MY GOSH! MAYBE THEY HAVE TO BE AMPLIFIED!!!??? So they are big enough for ME to see them???? Like a fish in water that can't SEE the water or KNOW they are in water because they are in it ALL the frikkin' time????? OH my gosh that is IT!!!!!
As a little girl I had a dream. Just now I got this cool feeling that that GIFT I got from God is reliable. I can count on it. Those pictures I see in my mind are the answers. The mine shaft. The gigantic neural pathways I just saw curling through my brain! Yikes! But if I can see them I can change them. I know that from all of the brain studies I have read. They agree that those neural pathways may not vanish but that you can create LARGER neural pathways than those and that the neural impulse WILL travel down the LARGER neural pathway. It just takesa while to grow the new ones, and you do that by repetition. Repeated healthy behaviors. And THAT'S where you come in! If you wish to.
All of you are scientists with a clear view of the experiment and possibly with a clear view of what is healthy. Your feedback helps me course correct as well. Which makes you invaluable if you wish to be. Experts, even.

I want that.

I want your help.

I want health.

I have always wanted it.

It's just like I have some message inscribed over my eyebrow that people read and they interfere with my journey. They harm me. They drag me back to the shock side and I feel paralyzed like I can't move. Predators. with BIG jaws.

I can beat them.

You can help.

Thank you for being my blog friends and for supporting me in my growth. I love you!

p.s. All of the details of my "childhood trauma/damage" are at blog 2. If you want to read about that event, you have to ask. It's my "safe spot" and I need that right now. Someplace where the predators can't "get" me.

155 Trying to figure out what my blog2 name and password are! lol

2011-09-01T14:13:00.001-07:00

As soon as I remember what in the heck I called everything I will send your invite.

Focused on that right now.

And all of you that asked for a password will get one. Then I am going to delete the "invite" post. Just want that to be between you and me.

2011-08-30T14:16:00.001-07:00

Ooops Forgot 154.5

2011-08-30T13:01:00.001-07:00

Hey guys. Soaking up sun and "ruminating" at the sjc mission. Will send your passwords when I get home. Dont know how to do it on iPhone.

New Blog

2011-08-24T17:19:00.000-07:00

I created a NEW blog where I can password protect the entries I choose to password protect.

Because guess what? I need a place to talk. Without screening everything I say. Without wondering if I have "armed" someone.

THIS blog will remain. :) Stay! Enjoy the photos. The "news". This blog is for absolutely EVERYBODY. Lurkers ... pull up a chair and pour a cuppa.

Blog 2 is for those who express that they would be both interested in and COMFORTABLE enough to read it. It's for me ... first and foremost. Some of it may be funny and light ... but some of it will definitely be heavy. So it really might not be *for* you. But it may be for you if you are a problem solver who wants to be vexed. Who wants to cry. Who wants to be a little outraged. Who can handle sexually explicit themes. "Children in peril" and the emotional aftermath that hearing a story like that MAY generate. Who can handle a little swearing. Who wants to sink their teeth into an unsolved mystery and hear a secret that NOBODY (nobody here-in defined as one stranger) else knows about me and frankly ... I've NEVER heard ANYWHERE ELSE. Nobody. Anywhere. Which is why, of course, I keep it a secret.

Because it's weird. OK. And once people figure it out they use it to take advantage of me. Think financial wipe out. Think date rape. Think big. That's why I hide it. It's like I can't turn it around so I can't trust anyone because I don't know if they can see it or if they will hurt me so I always have to hide. So I am always exhausted. Always on the defensive in "close quarters"... I always need to know where the door is.

I really do believe that one person has seen it and NOT used it against me. Or at least he saw something about it. He saw the worry it causes me. He just said "you say you are joyful ... but what I see is worry." It was like spending my whole life thinking I had this invisibility cloak on and all of a sudden, TUG. Off it comes and you know you aren't fooling anyone. At least ... you aren't fooling this guy. You guys! The weird and amazing feeling that came along with that? That came with being SEEN? The liberation? HE SAW ME. He saw me and I was still SAFE. I couldn't do anything but cry. I'm crying again now just thinking about it. The closest description I can think of is flexing a muscle like, FOREVER, and when you finally relax it you feel the warm tingle of the blood flowing through your limb again. You didn't even KNOW you weren't relaxing until you relaxed. He relaxed me. When I sat with him ... I could actually relax.
I have felt that effect a few times in my life ... but it has been rare. And never as powerful as it was sitting with him and never in that "package" ... with the honesty and the caring. Just talking with him and never running out of subjects. The feeling of just being able to let go of all of those long sticks with plates balanced and spinning on them because you aren't fooling this person anyway with your little smoke and mirrors show ... the "see? I'm OK. Really I am." show. Because he see's through it. So you may as well just take those plates down. Go put them in the cupboard and just talk with me. Just go for a walk with me. It's like it created what I'm going to call "a molecular memory" ... it re-structured me. It changed what I want. Or maybe I have always wanted it but never known it was possible to feel it until someone on the outside worked it in for me. So maybe if someone on the outside can do it ... maybe I can do it.

I want to feel that way all the time. Hence blog 2. I'm going to find the answer. I'm going to create my OWN safety.

If you feel like you WANT to participate in blog 2.... if you want to help me find the answer.... just e mail me for the password and the blog address.

158 What's new with me?

2011-08-14T18:55:00.000-07:00

I am trying to figure out what I want to do with my blog. I have some stuff I'd like to share ... some emotional stuff I'd like to sort out ... but you know how THAT is .. . it's not the kind of stuff you want to share with EVERYONE. .... cuz I love transparency, but it's not without it's risks. Like, say that a year from now baby daddy and I aren't getting along and he takes me to court. I still remember the LAST time when the lawyer for the house battle read my blog in court!!! That REALLY sucked. It's not like I have any concerns about ANYONE reading my blog NOW. But if situations CHAAANNNNGED it might not be wise to put certain stuff up. Might be possible to use it as proof that I am "emotional" or "she steals elephant tusks?!?!? What???!!! OMG!" or whatever. You know?

And I get the feeling that my e mail sends people to my blog! I know this because once, but I don't remember how, I saw what someone who SENDS me mail sees .... and it sends this update like: and see what Wendster is writing about in her blog! Well there are some real jerks who have my e mail address. I don't want THEM reading those blog posts. That's who I am really thinking about. Not thinking about ANY of YOU, my loyal bloggy buddies. Truly. Honestly. Don't worry. It's not you. I promise. And I wouldn't care if "jerks" read my blog either if they just didn't lurk. If they just said they were one of my readers and was that OK with me. That would be fine. I'd include them. Yup.

I remember reading another blog where this woman had a password on some of her entries and thought that was the way to go ... so if any of you know how to do that, (where I post a blog entry and you write me for the password) I would LOVE it if you would tell me how to do it. Because I've been doing some "work" on myself and found some really interesting stuff and I could REEEEEAAAALLLLY use your input, bloggy friends. Or just a listening ear.

Also ... I am sad today. I am just really feeling the weirdness of NOT having a regular job. I still have those three little odd jobs. Both interviews went very well and the one woman is ready to hire me now, I think ... just need to call her back ... but until that happens I just feel the frightening absence of a paycheck. It feels scary. And I feel alone. Cuz I kind of am alone. But this time the "alone" feels vulnerable. And I feel worry. But ... I am on day one of you know what (here's a clue: my "." Must we talk about that? lol) So I'm sure I'm just hormonal combined with jobless combined with a little broken hearted. OK. A lot. Sooooo alot. But everything happens for a reason. So I'll be fine. I've said that many times before. But I remember thinking that with the whole housing situation and though I am fine NOW I remember that it was a ROUGH RIDE. Well ... you were there. You know. I way prefer certainty and stability. Yup I do.

OK. Need to go find my cell phone charger. I think I left it at the mural yesterday, where I finally worked on the trees!!!!! Oh my gosh their bark is coming out BEAUTIFUL! I can't wait to show you that! I think you are going to love it. Just sayin'.

I love you guys and I look forward to visiting your blogs VERY soon. Heck ... I'm unemployed. I have lots of time to come visit. ha.

But seriously? I LOVE YOU GUYS! thanks for the way you stick with me through it all. Truer friends there never were. I wish blessings on all of your heads. You rock! Like boulder size rocking. Thank you thank you thank you. Mua. xoxooxox I will post tree bark pics soon. Promise.

2011-08-12T23:23:00.001-07:00

Today was my last day with Edith. Sooooo sad to leave her

2011-08-07T09:25:00.003-07:00

Have two new leads on caregiving jobs. One is 1m from my house! Other is about 25m. Looking forward to painting today :) !!!!

2011-08-07T09:25:00.001-07:00

If I make this TOO long, when I click "send" it is converted into gibberish. :) muraling today. (like it just did!)

2011-08-07T08:36:00.003-07:00

# ???? =??? ?????w? ???. ??~???3?????r2?? ??i7=?>??or8 ??@?P(

2011-08-07T08:36:00.001-07:00

# ?fP ? ?? ::= Q?O ??>?@wt? J????x ??n? ????s???????2 ?v???sZ,.??s? ?K??uy??v?A?79?w??a{ D??A?? ?.??s?? ???s??v?A??x? =?ePz ??Af?? j?A

photo updates! yay! 153

2011-07-30T23:54:00.000-07:00

My kids love to go to the Anime Expo. Hans Banans, Bex, and E after attending for three? four? days. It sounds like fun. I think I would like to go next time. If it wouldn't be crowding them, that is.

Look at these cool rock formations at Crystal Cove, just south of Newport Beach. The whole beach had these rocks that looked like someone laid pieces of rock paper together and then squooshed them together ... compressed them. It was really cool looking. And there were many little tide pools with little fish swimming in them, and sea anemones, and crabs ... and some funny looking things that may have been sea cucumbers ... but I'm not sure. Let's see if I can add a photo of that. If I add it it will set it at the top of the photo stack which I don't want. I no longer know how to move the pictures. It can have it's own separate post and we will all guess what it is, k?

Me and my friend Gary (we've been friends since our mothers gave birth to us and then stood and chatted while we were toddlers clinging to their legs) went to a free concert up in Arrowhead. This group, Desperado, played Eagle's songs and they were really good. I had a very nice time.

Desperado .... they even sang the song Desperado ... and I didn't know that was an Eagle's song. lol

I got my bike alllll fixed up. I even got pink tires put on it. Doesn't it look fast? Doesn't it look like it wants me to ride it? Heck yeah it does!

2011-07-20T21:58:00.001-07:00

Babysitting tonight. Nice cool breeze... Three friendly cats ... Three happily "engaged" kids ... All is well. :)

2011-07-13T14:13:00.003-07:00

Points for the funniest interpretation of what the gibberish posts said

2011-07-13T14:13:00.001-07:00

As you can see ... Having trouble posting Lol!!!

2011-07-11T08:07:00.001-07:00

Hot day here in so cal. Cleaning house this am. Then going to spend the afternoon with my daughter hitting thrift shops. :) Hugs y'all!

2011-07-11T08:06:00.001-07:00

I have NO idea what those two previous (now deleted 7/30) posts were. I agree with the comment: wtf????

2011-07-07T19:20:00.001-07:00

Unable to send pics. Been teying since early this am. HOT day in Cali! Lordy! Glad I was indoors. Too bad the AC is down at work til next week.

2011-07-07T01:35:00.001-07:00

OMG!!!! I finally figured out how to post from my phone to my blog!!!! Hi everybody!!!!!! <3

2011-07-07T01:34:00.001-07:00

I think I have added my phone to my blogging account and possibly can post texts to blogger. This is a test.

I uploaded a blogging app .... Can I type in the text field NOW? NO. and it wont let me post a picture either. Only a computer/web whatever image!

2011-06-13T10:33:00.000-07:00

155 Arthur has died

2011-05-18T15:19:00.000-07:00

I don't even remember the last thing I wrote ... but the gentleman I worked for has died. He died in April and it makes me so stinkin sad y'all. Sooooooo sad. He was such a good man. No complaining .... quiet, but you could always see on his face that he was paying attention and so interested in what was going on around him and always ready to jump in and lead. Whenever I would ask him what we should have for dinner, would it be OK if I picked up xyz from a restaurant, you could see him leap into action ... the way he took the head count ... who all are we feeding? ... always including me in the count ... making sure I had the directions .... I know these things sound small but its the WAY he did them. He was an "includer" ... always made sure that I felt like I belonged there and I did feel it y'all. I really did. And when he couldn't sleep at night and I'd go stand by his chair and hold his hand to help him calm back down and go back to sleep he'd caress my hand sooooo lovingly and I'd caress his too ... and it was probably the most love I have felt all year from anyone. It's like it was concentrated. It was palpable. I wish I had better words for it, but as I sit here with tears streaming down my cheeks as I type, I remember perfectly what it felt like to be "loved" by Arthur. Even at the end when he was in pain, he did not complain. He never made demands. Always had a funny way of asking for his icecream at night ... always a happy exclamation about the way I served it (with a cookie or little slice of cake tucked into it or several different types in one bowl) "Now * that's * a bowl of ice cream" ... and his face would light up and he would look up at me and smile so appreciatively. And when I would arrive to work my shift he'd look up and see me and his face would light up and he'd reach out his hand for me and give my hand a kiss and give me a kiss on the cheek. Sometimes his wife would say "watch it now!" ... and then I'd look over at her and smile and she'd look back at me and smile. They were such lovebirds. How wonderful it would be to find something that had the constancy they had. I know why she loved him so much. Why his friends loved him so much. His children and grandchildren too.

At his memorial, Sunday, I was sitting at the luncheon table with his grandchildren (teens) and his grandson said: "I remember that when we would go to IHOP Grandpa used to take his fork and put a creamer on the end of it and launch the creamer at another table." Then he looked wistful like he wished it would be appropriate to launch creamers at the other tables. I handed him a fork and a creamer and all of the grandchildren's eyes looked at me like "really?" but they had this twinkle of mischief in their eyes too ... and they turned their eyes on their cousin who's look of mischief was slightly exceeding their own and it was ON. The grandkids spent the next five or ten minutes launching creamers at targets on the table and we had the best laugh. I think Arthur was happy as he looked on. What a wonderful family. I am so glad to continue working for Arthur's wife.

A good man has passed and I very much wish he was still here.

150

2011-05-11T01:40:00.000-07:00

More pictures of the red hair y'all. I've uploaded Blogger to my phone so I can blog from there ... I hope! But I'm waaaayyyyy too addicted to "Flood It" and "Collapse" to test it out. LOL

Any 12 step programs out there for compulsive square clickers?

Experimenting with the text fields on the I phone. Nope! Won't do it. Upload an app?

2011-04-20T10:58:00.000-07:00

I can update my blog by phone now! But how do I get the cursor to the blog text field? Lol

2011-04-18T20:51:00.000-07:00

On dying

2011-04-16T14:31:00.001-07:00

Death of a cell phone. * Insert poem here. * Now ... why did I want to drop it in the toilet? * And why, when I was done using my phone in the bath, did I glance over and LOOK ... not just glance mind you, LOOK VERY CAREFULLY, at my toilet, determine the lid was down, and hold my phone over it and KERPLUNK it into the water? (clean water at least) * In my defense I *will* say that I was stretched out in my tub and the toilet top was higher than my POV. But the lid ... up at the moment ... was soooo clearly visible I really can't excuse myself. * I think it's time to upgrade my phone. * "Living" will be my first criteria. By the way.... it makes me laugh that I wouldn't THINK of putting my hand in the toilet on an ordinary day. But you should have seen me plunge it right in there ... with only about five seconds of hesitation ... to get my phone.

Me with red hair

2011-04-01T19:10:00.000-07:00

Last week I went to one of those fancy salons where the well paid stylist KNOWS what color your hair should be. I still feel shocked each time I look in the mirror ... but many people have said wonderful things about it. Even a few of my toughest critics! What do you think?

150

2011-04-01T16:46:00.000-07:00

Hi! I am a red head! I will post a photo when I get back from dinner.

149 Japanese Garden

2011-03-20T17:39:00.000-07:00

Pretty Japanese Garden in Los Angeles and pretty cherry blossoms in bloom at Balboa Park. More pictures to share. Lost upload cable but found that the MP3 cable works for the camera! Wooooot!!!

Hugs!

Off to LA to work for the next three days. Mua.

149 - 151 CHILDREN'S SEMINAR

2011-03-17T18:47:00.000-07:00

Hi guys!!!

The seminar went GREAT overall. Saturday we had problems. Staff wasn't managing the children but we figured out why ... they were waiting for "permission" to step in ... so we made sure they knew they had permission (Thank you Rafa! That was brilliant of you to notice that that is what they needed!) and on Sunday the staff was AMAZING!!! I love when I find out that other people are awesome and I just forgot to tell them something. lol. And the students, who had gotten rather noisy on Saturday, were BEAUTIFUL (beautiful and quiet) on Sunday. And I felt like I did enough studying and organizing to make my part go very well so all in all everyone was quite happy.

Now I have to race off to babysit but I will be back tomorrow.

HUGS!!!

149 149 149 149 150.5 150.5

2011-03-05T15:25:00.000-08:00

Hi!
I am the laziest person on the planet. How is it that a lazy person is SO frikkin' busy? groceries. napping. errands. driving back and forth. new job. I don't even GET onto my computer.

Just want you to know I am well.

I love you guys! Schedule IS settling down. Just have the children's seminar to do this weekend (as in "in seven days time from now") so all free time is being diverted to preparation (staff meetings and avoiding studying lol i hate that that one is true!) and more free time when seminar is done.

HUGS!!!!! Wendy

p.s. I cleaned my room and found my camera battery and decorated my door with my collages and photos and map of Massachusetts. Did I happen to mention that I love Massachusetts? I bet it has more ss's and I forgot them. But I bet they would rather be me right now since I'm sure it's warmer here than there.

Catch up soon~ Gotta get a netbook or a laptop. I actually priced them yesterday at Sam's. I'm getting there.

151.5

2011-02-25T11:58:00.000-08:00

Stangman knew someone who could fix my catalytic converter and I am FULL POWER again! YAY!

Thank you Stangman.

You're the bee's knees.

Good thing, too. Otherwise how would bees get anything done?

On my way to work.

149, 149,2, 149,8 150.2, 151, 151, 151, 151

2011-02-24T10:28:00.000-08:00

ALL IS WELL :)

On my way to let Stangman work on my car. Catalytic converter? No acceleration! Will blog soon. Probably tomorrow. :)

xoxoxooxox

152.2

2011-02-15T20:55:00.000-08:00

Hey y'all,

I just read all of your comments. THANK YOU. You give good advice and your prayers obviously worked because even without me seeing your comments I got this phone call out of the blue from the Stangman saying that his parents needed my care. Could I please go over there? So I just got back from taking care of them for three days (they are able to use their legs and walk ... just need a little help steadying themselves) and they are SO WONDERFUL!!!!! I LOVED working for them! They are such beautiful lovebirds. Sooo sweet with each other. And they really needed some help at their house and I really needed someone to help (job) and they asked me to come back! And be their live in! So we worked out the details and I have a new job with veeeeerrrry little muscle needed on my part. I feel really fortunate and especially thankful to Stangman for recommending me to his parents. I recognize the kind of trust you need to have in a person to trust them with the care of your parents and I want you to know, Stangman, I take your parent's care very seriously.

THANK YOU STANGMAN!

Oh! Stangman has a blog now and has written his first POST.

Go welcome him to blogland if you get the chance. I really need to update my sidebar to include three bloggers (new to me) who are FABULOUS! I will do it soon.

I called my (old) boss tonight and asked him how he would like me to handle this terrific opportunity for me ... did he want two weeks notice? I definitely didn't want to leave him high and dry. He really has been good to me. I really appreciate him. He said I could go ahead and go ... didn't have to give the two weeks notice. And he praised me highly. He and I never really got along in that "easy connection" kind of way ... we are quite different. But he has always been VERY FAIR to me and always willing to hear me out. He even let my son come to work with me for the first four months of the job and that is pretty dang amazing, don't you think? He has been fair, kind, and he trained me well. He said tonight on the phone that the senior's children held me in VERY HIGH REGARD. He mentioned in particular the appreciation of a son whose mother has more advanced dimentia. He phones faithfully from abroad, nearly daily. Due to her dimentia his mother would get confused, look for him in the phone, respond too quietly to be heard ... it was a onesided conversation. So I started sitting with her when he called and just gave him the play by play: "she's smiling. she's nodding. She said 'yes.'" He appreciated that SOOOoooo much. He said it made all of the difference to him. My boss said that the elder's children LOVE me and that I made his business look REALLY GOOD TO THEM. And I was glad of that because I try very hard to get them what they need and make them feel comfortable when they visit. I love their parents and will miss them. I'd tuck them in at night and kiss their foreheads and remind them that their children loved them and wanted them to know it. One lady always said: "You're a good woman." I'd respond "YOU'RE a good woman." and she'd say: "When I sleep." So our running joke had become to always tag the "You're a good woman" line with "in bed! Oh. Wait. When I sleep."
I will really miss them. As we summed up our phone call, I was able to tell my boss of my appreciation for him and I shared with him what I share with every senior's child who comes to visit: "Your parents are in truly loving hands. {boss name} really loves your parent and he is always hugging them and kissing them and making absolutely CERTAIN that they are looked after with a HIGH standard of excellence." And he said that he really DOES love them and that he knows he is a very gruff opionated person but he wants to be a loving easygoing person and I told him that his management style WORKS ... it keeps the employees working hard and the standard of excellence high ... it was just a great phone call. He just seemed so glad that I had worked there and we parted on what seem to be very good terms. That made me happy. I really am grateful for the start he gave me in the caregiving business.

So ... your prayers worked. A new job found me! And I will look into those remedies you suggested as well. THANK YOU. I look forward to visiting you all soon.

Can anyone recommend an inexpensive reliable laptop so I can connect with you guys while I am working those four nights in LA? Not able to do it on my phone. Then I sit in LB two of the other nights. Can't connect with you there either. It only gives me one night to blog y'all. It seems like the days get filled up with other things. Homeschooling. Hiking. Errands. Outings (Science Discovery Center last week). And that's where I want to be. Parenting my son. Educating my boy. Enjoying him. That's why I find these night jobs. (with a few days in there as well ... but not many.)

I know I rambled tonight. Sorry for the lack of brevity. HUGS!!!!!

156.5, 151.8, 152.2, 153.5 working

2011-02-05T22:56:00.000-08:00

Did I tell you I work with the seniors at a private residence?

One little lady hurt her knee a few months ago and she is convinced that it is *broken* so she won't use it. She won't step on it. She just tucks it under her like a little flamingo. That makes her hard to transfer from her bed to her wheelchair. From her wheelchair to the shower. From the shower to her wheelchair. From her wheelchair to the big blue chair in the frontroom. From the big blue chair to the wheelchair for lunch. From her wheelchair back to her bed for a little afternoon nappy. From her bed to her wheel chair for dinner. From her wheelchair to her big blue comfy chair in the frontroom. Then back into her wheelchair so she can get back into bed. Add to that transfers to the toilet and having her stand up for pants changes when we change her "panties" (diapers). For every single transfer she insists on using only one leg ... and BARELY that. It kills my right arm, y'all, because she does NOT support her weight. *IIIII* SUPPORT her weight!!! And I can't drop her. That is not an option and I don't want to drop her. Every night I come home with my arm hurting. And each week it has gotten worse and worse. The pain in my lower back wakes me every night each time I turn over. And if I fall asleep on my arm, the pain in my arm wakes me from my sleep. I have suffered from many back injuries. I know the pain is *bad* for me when it wakes me. And I have no medical insurance. Just my chiropractor whom I see once or twice a month.

Two weeks ago??? That little lady quit using the OTHER leg as well. (She is DEAD WEIGHT).

Y'all. I need ... *NEED* ... a new job. Preferably something where I don't lift people.

And do any of us know what you do for arm pain? Heat? Ice? Alternate? How often? I'd love a little advice.

153 SHOOT FOR THE STARS

2011-01-30T19:45:00.000-08:00

Hey ... I should get more pics out of my camera, huh?

I got a little off track last month, so I am going to start my "usual" January first blitz of goals on February 1st. Anyone have anything they really want to work on ? ? ? We can work on things together and encourage each other.

Mine is still PUNCTUALITY! With a capital P, and then a capital U N C T U A L I T Y they ALLLL need to be capitalized because I imagine that is what it is going to take to get me to this goal.

Points for making the most words out of the word: PUNCTUALITY using the letters in ANY order, but you can only use the letters the number of times they appear within the word. You can't use "A" five times because there is only ONE "A" in punctuAlity. But the next word you write can use "A" because the next word starts with a clean slate. Get it? My dad used to do this in his spare time. He loved making words from words.
Example:
PUNCTUALITY
pun nut lay tan puny (oops! can't use this one, it's naughty!) luau lap

OK ... you run with it now.

I am going to go sit and consider whether I want to work on other goals as well.

151.5

2011-01-28T20:26:00.000-08:00

Who just wants to laugh tonight?

Two bears eat a clown.

The one bear turns to the other bear and says:

Did he taste funny to you?

F*k'in Perfect

2011-01-23T21:50:00.000-08:00

I am going to blog about something very personal, and hopefully I will feel free to do it without giving a dang about what ANY one else might think of my post.

If you are a sensitive blogger, you may want to skip this post and return when there is a newer, milder post. If you aren't sure you will be able to like me after reading this post and still WANT to like me ... skip this one and come back later.

So. My dad died and it brought stuff up for me. Stuff about him that was really stuff about me. Stuff that was "HOW COULD HE DO THAT TO ME???" stuff that I turned around and did to the same degree he did. Except *I* am excused because I didn't see the ripples and *he* should have known better because he should have been able to foresee his results.

Some history:
My dad was the ultimate kids' dad. He was so strong and so fun and so quick to laugh. When he got home from his welding job at Todd Shipyard he'd only stop for a minute to set his heavy things down (heavy jacket with burn marks in it, heavy gloves, welding mask ... all of which he carried on the long bus ride home from downtown Long Beach ... a 40 minute car ride) and then he was all OURS. His three kids had total access to him, and he never excluded a neighbor kid. Everyone came to play in our yard and it was beautiful ... with the occasional embrolio (embroglio?), of course ... what yard exists without them? ...but really truly beautiful. Wrestling, rough housing, chasing, hide and seek ... and then me and my dad would walk the dogs in the field under the powerlines and I'd run ahead and run back and feel like his little princess.

Then I grew up a little. And the ostracizing that I already felt in school (I was already "hairy gorilla leg girl" who picked her nose and flung her boogars at the nearby desks ... alienating all possible friendships) was exacerbated by the huge overbite that had grown larger and larger with each passing year. Buck teeth? I was the text book case for them. And we were poor. So I never wore cool clothes. Mom cut my hair herself and then always tied a piece of ribbon in it to hold it back. Old ratty old ribbon. I didn't see it that way when I wore it. My clothes were COOL. I loved my raggedy anne dress and my red ribbon in my hair. But the kids around me saw it differently, of course, and teased me relentlessly. So ... I was unpopular at school AND I was having a hard time, all of a sudden, getting along with my family. I'd become difficult, and Mom and Dad fought alot ... usually behind closed doors but we kids knew that they didn't get along, and then Dad quit hanging out with me. On Saturdays we all did chores together but that was IT. I never noticed what I was feeling so sad or angry about as a child, but when I looked back at it last March I finally SAW IT ... and was able to label it. I saw myself as ABANDONED. I spent so many years feeling angry and distant from my Dad but didn't know why. No seriously! I didn't know why! I didn't see it. But once I saw it I just bawled and bawled. It fit. It's like when you know two and two are four. You KNOW it. I *knew* "abandoned" was how I felt. And with that was a feeling of never being able to get what I needed. Wanted. And it became SUCH an issue in my relationships. This feeling of being powerless to get what I needed no matter WHAT. That was a horrible feeling. It pushes this humongous button, that used to be kept under a little glass dome ... but I broke the glass dome so long ago I don't remember and just left that button exposed and EVERYONE bumps it. And when they bump it I lose it. I cry. I get frustrated. I get so angry at people and so frightened that I will never be able to get what I need. What I NEED. I'm wondering if you are seeing that the way I am seeing that. To me it's like needing AIR and KNOWING you won't be able to get it, no matter how you ask, and the people you are asking are FAMILY MEMBERS ... the people you want to know have your back ... and they WON'T GIVE YOU YOUR AIR. THAT'S how it felt to me.

Fast forward from abandoned teen to being a Mom. I was an AMAZING little kid Mom. We sat and watched our favorite cartoons together, I ran along side their bicycles, I dressed them so cute, I did their hair, we went to the park ... and then I got divorced ... and I got sad. ... and I couldn't sleep at night. I couldn't go inside the house. I HAD to stay outside gardening til ten or eleven p.m. and dig by lantern light until I was exhausted ... and then I would finally come into my newly procured fixer upper house and just curl up in a fetal position in front of the TV in my dark frontroom (I didn't have a light for the room) and I'd watch TV until I couldn't stay awake anymore. That's what I did on the weeks I didn't have the kids. On the weeks that I had the kids I was happy. I had something to do. I knew how to deal. But eventually my sadness crept over to that time as well, I think, and then! I got a computer ... and I spent a LOT of time ... most evenings that weren't work evenings, in front of the computer. Hanging out in the "Witty" chat room letting other people make me laugh. And I let my kids watch TV all night.

Now this is an important thing to notice, and I'm not sure how to work around to it. I ABANDONED my kids. It wasn't my INTENTION. It was my RESULT. Because they were sad too and they needed me but I didn't SEE that I wasn't spending time with them. I saw that I was spoiling them and giving them dinners they wanted and TV time that I figured they would want ... but I wasn't watching with them. Eating with them. So in reality, I was neglecting them. Abandoning them. And then I married for the second time.

All along the way I didn't SEE things from their point of view. And once I remarried and had another baby and had all of that housework to do the war over housework began and in my mind they became "the enemy" because THEY don't want ME to have a clean house. THEY want ME to give up all of MY free time and do all of THEIR work. And since I was certain THEY were the enemy I knew that I wasn't.

Wrong.

I was the one who had the responsibility to notice whether things were working or not. But I was so ANGRY that once again my family wouldn't give me AIR (what I NEED) that all I could see is that I had to extinguish this pattern my family had of not giving me what I needed! In the meanwhile my family, extended and immediate, saw me as aggressive, mean, unyielding .... and they were absolutely right. But it wasn't because I intended to harm my family ... it was because I intended to solve the problem! And not QUIT until I solved it!!! And the problem was obviously that THEY weren't showing me respect. Kindness. Compassion. And all of these qualities were absolutely NECESSARY ... necessary because the kids needed them to be good children, and I needed my kids to be these things so I could be a GOOD MOTHER. And there was NO WAY I was going to grow up to be a bad mother. I put ALL of my energy into winning this battle. And because I was always so busy battling ... I NEVER SAW MY RESULTS. I didn't see that my kids were afraid of me. That they couldn't wait to get away from me. That they couldn't wait until they turned 18 and were free of their custody contract. And I also couldn't see the MILLION FUCKING THINGS THEY DID EVERY FUCKING DAY to SHOW ME THAT THEY LOVED ME. HOW did I miss that??????!!!! Who misses that???? What kind of blinders does a person have to have to not notice that they are surrounded by a team that really just wanted me to know that they loved me!??? That they wanted to help!!!!

So on the tenth? ya. The tenth I think. My dad died. And I felt sad. But not sad because I had lost my dad that day. Sad because I lost him thirty five years ago. And at the funeral I had to listen as all of those people shared about how he had been giving of himself to THEM up until the last day he lived. And it hurt. But it hurt the most to know that I had been him from the time I divorced until the time I saw what I was doing in 2005. I hate that I didn't see it until then, but thank heavens I saw it. From that day forward the only thing I said to my kids was "I love you." That was it. Ya if only that were true. I also continued to think I was RIGHT and to have a hard time reigning myself in. But with each passing year it has gotten easier and easier to just let go of what I THINK I need them to do and be content to watch how amazing they are and to express that I just fucking love them. That's it. I love them!!!! They are perfect to me. Easy to see from my perspective.. But from MY perspective, it has been so hard to let go of those lost years. To know that I was a beast for all of that time. To expect that they would ever forgive me. But you would not believe how kind they have been to me. How close we have grown. The kind of conversations we can have now. It is SO frikkin' beautiful to me.

But the voices in my head always have unkind things to say about those missed years. And the voices in my head always make me doubt that I could ever be as kind as other Moms seem to be. Or that I'm not expressing the anger somewhere else. Taking other hostages. Taking out whole cities. I just see myself as capable of such "slaughter" ... and the fact that I DIDN'T SEE MYSELF HURTING my kids makes me worry all the time that I am "blind" and don't see my current victims. Is this making sense?

The progress I made in the last week was that I feel absolutely certain that my father loved me and was completely unaware of his "ripples". I am certain that he saw himself as a man who stayed with his family even though their was friction and even though he didn't have a clue what to do with teenaged kids? or his wife didn't want him to handle the teenaged kids? or his teenaged kids didn't like the way he handled his teenaged kids? So he stepped back. And just watched TV and read books and puttered in the garden for the next 35 years. I am quite certain that he didn't see himself as abandoning us because he STAYED. I am quite certain that he didn't see himself as not expressing love for us because he KNEW that he loved us. His blindness was the type that is just brought on by not taking a moment to see where his ripples were going. To see that he WAS making ripples. Or failing to make them, in this case. Which, IS a ripple because ripples are defined as actions (or inactions) that AFFECT others. lol. (and now we have entered backwards land. lol!) I had the same blindness. I hated it in him. I hate it in me. I am afraid of it. Constant vigilance has me unable to relax, most days of the week. Always second guessing myself. Have I been kind enough? Am I noticing where MY ripples are going? Am I being RIGHT? or am I being LOVING??? Because I swear to you on all that is holy being right is the LEAST USEFUL THING ON THIS PLANET. It only makes the people who won't agree with you WRONG. And that alienates people. It alienated my children.

So when Dad died a friend texted me and said "You must be going through a terrible time! Such loss! I hope you can get through this horrible loss!" and it made me MAD!!! Instead of just nodding my head and saying "of course. thank you for your kind words." I got HONEST instead and said how I really felt. And THAT, opened up these flood gates and led to this great conversation and amazing realizations (most of them you just read) and THAT led me to talk to my daughter Hans Banans, who loves me and forgives me and thanked me for being tough on her. She realizes that me being tough is what made her who she is today and she wouldn't have it any other way. And listening while she talked about the "tough" was like being crucified. It hurts so bad to look back at myself without the "blind" goggles on. I wonder if I will ever get over that? Ever forgive myself completely? But I absolutely!!!! do see the beautiful gifts that came of it. My children are strong amazing children with backbones who don't take any crap from ANYONE and I gave them that gift, damnit. By being horrible to them I made them strong. And no I don't want to do it again. LOL. Hans Banans knows how hard I take the reminiscing about who I was ... so she sent me this song link which I listened to tonight and I bawled and bawled.

Pink: Fucking Perfect just click on this. You can sit and cry with me.

The note that went along with it was: "Whenever I think of this song I ALWAYS think of you. ALWAYS. I love you. <3 "

Made a wrong turn
Once or twice
Dug my way out
Blood and fire
Bad decisions
That's alright
Welcome to my silly life

Mistreated this place
Misunderstood
Miss knowin' it's all good
It didn't slow me down

Mistakin'
Always second guessin'
Underestimatin'
Look I'm still around

Pretty, pretty please
Don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than
Fuckin' perfect

Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothin'
You're fuckin' perfect to me

You're so mean
When you talk
About yourself, you were wrong
Change the voices in your head
Make them like you instead

So complicated
Look how we all make it
Filled with so much hatred
Such a tired game

It's enough
I've done all I can think of
Chased down all my demons
I've seen you do the same

Ooooooh

Pretty, pretty please
Don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than
Fuckin' perfect

Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothin'
You're fuckin' perfect to me

The whole worlds scared
So I swallow the fear
The only thing I should be drinking
Is an ice cold beer

So cool in line
And we try, try, try
But we try too hard
And it's a waste of my time

Done looking for the critics
Cause they're everywhere
They don't like my jeans
They don't get my hair

Strange ourselves
And we do it all the time
Why do we do that?
Why do I do that?

Yeeeeaaaahhhh
Ooooooooooooh
Oh pretty, pretty please
Don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than
Fuckin' perfect

Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothin'
You're fuckin' perfect to me

You're perfect, you're perfect

Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothin'
You're fuckin' perfect to me

It feels so good to know that this is how my little girl feels about me. I hope you can all see how beautiful she is. Next week I'm going to show you all the beautiful card my Bex gave me for my birthday. Also made me bawl and also super beautiful!!! I have the best kids EVER.

2011-01-19T01:55:00.000-08:00

Hi guys :)
My clicky clacky keyboard wakes my roomie at night (and she is down the hall).

Just wanted you to know I am fine. :)

xoxoxoxo

152 Dad died

2011-01-14T17:24:00.000-08:00

Hey guys ...

I will journal/blog soon. I wanted to earlier but my Dad died on Monday unexpectedly (who expects it ever, right?) and I've had a few i's to dot and a few t's to cross. I had a few bad days of feeling really out of it but some friends have been talking with me and I'm doing much better now.

I will write more about it later, but forgive me for not keeping to my "blogging schedule" this week. I'm sure you understand that things are going on this week. If I can put up four posts this week I will ... but if I feel too taxed to do it, I'ma gonna skip it. lol. This is me smiling. I am "OK" ... ok? So don't worry. He was 83 and went super quickly. Like here and then GONE. It made me happy for him that he didn't suffer. OK. I hope to write more tonight. xoxoxooxoxx

p.s. Anyone know why cursors freeze sometimes? Commodore? Anyone? Mine freezes for a few seconds and then it's back again, but sometimes for longer. earlier this week froze all together.

151.5

2011-01-09T00:29:00.001-08:00

Pics are from last week's trip to the museum of natural history. Someone wears the baby T rex costume and scares the bejeebers out of everyone while a docent gives a lecture. Totally fun. And I just LOVES me some MEESES. Moose. I love'em!

Put new lithium (oooooh! lithium!) battery in the scale today and weighed in for the New Year. After eating beyond my ability to eat for the last two months (Stangman happened to mention a few months back that I was losing my bootie and I just can't lose my bootie!!! thx for the constructive criticism Stangman.) I have gained 2 and a half pounds. I'm stuffed. And I'm exhausted too easily. It's back to hiking and toning. Yup. I have my list of New Years commitments and today is the first day doing them. Hiked with Basil and was EARLY picking up Himster from the airport (he needed a favor) and now I'm posting a note on my blog and I weighed this morning ... so that about covers it dontcha know. lol There's more than that but it's late.

I'll post the commitments tomorrow.

nite all.

I gotta work in the a.m.

xoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxo

PRODUCTIVE DAY

2011-01-08T00:57:00.001-08:00

I love days like today.

My body may be a little sore, but I got soooo much done.

xoxoxoxoxooxox

psssst ... here's a little laugh for today:

New Years Dress

2011-01-05T08:21:00.000-08:00

Hey all! I might not be by a computer for the next two days. I work crazy hours and locations on Wed Thurs.
I just wanted to show you my barracuda dress. I've NEVER bought myself a wild crazy dress before. This one has those slits on the hip and all down the sleeves that make you look like a bear took his claw and raked your dress across the sleeves.

It was fun to wear.

I felt like a WILD woman wearing it.

Got it off of the Greatglam site. They sell "clubby" clothes ... but we might also call them ... slutty? They are WILD.

And it felt fun to be wild for an evening.

I think I will do it again some time.

p.s.

Still ice free. Haven't eaten a morsel since Dec 31. Even got Tristan a cup of it last night and didn't touch it. Even though it was the reeeeeaaallly great little tiny ice pellets that I LOVE!!!

Still deciding on my "big rocks" to fit into my schedule. I notice that I DON'T WANT TO shower in the morning. I want to stay in bed. It's that rhythm I want in my schedule. Wake up, shower, do things, head out ready for the day .... not holding on to the mattress to the very last second.

Gotta run! It will be a MIRACLE if I am on time to STangman's shop this morning. I work for him on Wednesdays. So far I have been late ONE time this year (and it was to my job! Ack! Didn't want to get up and take the shower but did anyways ... and it took me toooo long). I would really rather not make it TWO.

Just went visiting

2011-01-04T23:16:00.000-08:00

just went visiting some blogs.

Exhausted!

Good night everyone. xoxoxoox

Hiked on Saturday. Thought I would DIE.

2011-01-04T00:07:00.000-08:00

The view of Century City. We could also see L.A. to our left. But I'm including the sunset pic.

The way up was steep ... so the way down was ..... steep too!

niece A, doing her Audrey Hepburn impression.

The hiking ensemble: niece A, niece D, Auntie me, and the Stang-man. He hangs out sometimes.

My legs did FINE. All I wanted was some AIR. The view was very nice though, don't you think? I kept the two jackets off most of the way up, even though it was only in the ... forties? No way it was in the fifties. It's been COLD out here!!! It has so, East coasters!

Oh! And credit to Stang man for knowing where this cool hike was! This is Grunyon Canyon. Apparently it used to belong to Errol Flynn. Now it is owned by the ... park system? Cool place in L.A. Thanks Stang man. You find great places to go.

Some photos

2011-01-02T22:34:00.000-08:00

So ... here are a few pictures you might have missed over the last few months while I was off ... just ... off. LOL.

OKENITE! It's crystals! From India. Saw these at the museum of science and natural history with all four of my kids. I love field trips.
This is a clip board I made for Bex .... queen of the butterflies

And Ra Ra ... cuz he's so cool

And this is Zack ... a Final Fantasy hero .... Hans banans went crazy for it!

My friends' wedding. Long happy life to you both.

Me and Basil .... hold still! Smile~!

Isn't he the cutest little elf? What a beautiful face.

My daughters and their beaus.

The gingerbread house of 2010

Some little things I made out of frosting

That's enough for tonight. I have to pace myself, you know.

Hi Speedycat! Hi Sandee! Hi Wade! Hi Gracieface!!!! Hi Jacquie! Hi Pamela! Hi DeEtta!!!!

New Years Evaluation: What IS missing? BLOGGING!

2011-01-01T14:17:00.000-08:00

Hi Guys!!!

It's new years day and of course it's a BIG FAT HAIRY DEAL with me. I HAVE to do something big every new years ... right?

Guess what I am tackling this year?????

(Did you guess?)

TACKLING PUNCTUALITY!!!!!

Holy Frikking cow that is HUGE for me.

I am not sure if I will EASE into it or aim for 100% right off of the bat .... I have to feel it out a little bit ... but the saying: "She will be late for her own funeral" is NOT going to be associated with me anymore. Nope.

And know what else? I eat ice CONSTANTLY. And I do mean constantly. So .. just out of curiosity, I am going to try one day at a time without it. I wonder who I would be if I didn't expend so much energy on acquiring ice. ... .chewing ice .... making ice ... peeing after eating ice.

So .... my full energy will be spent on punctuality. But other things I intend to add in are the return of SHower SHave SHampoo Dress Dry Dazzle ... BLOGGING!!!! ... AND. ... ? I'll tell you tomorrow. I have to leave for a hike right now.

I love you guys! You WILL see me with regularity. I will tell you HOW regularly as soon as I work that out .. . i really AM gone alot. Hope to change that up and replace it with home time art time Basil time.

Happy New Years!!!!

Mouth full of soap but it tastes like ...

2010-12-10T14:05:00.000-08:00

How much do I LOVE this song??!?!?!

Regina Spektor: Music Box

Life inside the music box ain't easy

The malots hit the gears are always turning

and everyone inside the mechanism

is yearning to get out.

And sing another melody completely

So different from the one they're always singing

I close my eyes and think that I have found me

but then I feel mortality surround me.

I want to sing another melody

so different from the one I always sing

But when I do the dishes

I run the water very very very hot

and then I fill the sink to the top with bubbles of soap

and then I send all the bottle caps I own afloat

and its the greatest voyage in the history of plastic

and then I slip my hands in and start to make waves

and then I dip my tongue in and take a taste

it tastes like soap but it doesn't really taste like soap

and then I lower in my whole mouth and take a gulp

and start to feel mortality surround me

I close my eyes and think that I have found me

but life inside the music box ain't easy

the malots hit the gears are always turning

and everyone inside the mechanism

is yearning

to get out

and sing another melody completely

is yearning

to get out

is yearning

to get out

is yearning

to get out.

I think I love this song because I LOVE that this woman is TALKING about doing things that some adults would frown upon if they were to walk in and see her immersed in her activity.

I AM this woman! The one floating an army of bottle caps in the dish water. WHY? Because it's FUN!!!! How can we possibly resist it!!!???????? They are bottle caps! It's soap! Hot wonderful fluffy dish soap!!! We stand in the cold kitchen with our hands in the nice hot water ... playing with the dishes. The bottle caps. Co-workers. Dinner. I'd play with the pictures for this post too, but I can't seem to move them. Crazy blogger program!

But I admit I've never drank the soap.

Actually.

Metaphorically?

Definitely.

I've GOT to try the soap.

Surprisingly, it often tastes different than I had expected.

(scale ran out of batteries. I don't know!)

2010-11-25T13:16:00.001-08:00

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!!!

From the absent blogger. :)

But I still love you guys!!!!!!!

146 Shoreline Village with the boys

2010-11-06T23:46:00.000-07:00

... we rode the ferris wheel... just spent time together and chatted

... made silly faces

... went into the Borders and read stories

.... this is an old favorite

... the illustrations crack us up

then we just sat and stared at the water ... and a gigantic glowing orb that was man made

... and sat by a firepit

... the orb. They were filming a commercial, we believe. Only in Southern California, right?

.... we loved walking through the village and looking at the treats in the window. Coldstone's kids cups are pretty dang yummy, as we can atest.

.... sure was nice just to hang out with my boys and look at the lights on the water. Still smiling.

147 Can't move the photos urrrrgh!

2010-10-31T23:08:00.000-07:00

We hung out at my sister's house for the Halloween festivities this year. For some reason I can't rearrange the photos and put them in the order i want. .. so in random order ... here's what you are looking at. lol. Above: Rah Rah and his girl K. Aren't they cute together?

Bex and her bf E. They look FABULOUS!

I found this pumpkin at a bird farm in Riverside when Stang and I ran errands with Basil. Twenty bucks! Of course ... it was too large to LIFT! Minor oversight. So I couldn't get it into my house to carve so I couldn't win the $50 PRIZE at my sister's party .... dang it! But I painted on it anyways when my room mate's bf carried it in for me three hours before the party ... then I used that rolling chair to knock Jack off of the counter and roll him back out to the car. Me and my roomie hefted it into the seat and seatbelted that sucker in. WOW. I've gotta get a pumpkin like that AGAIN next year. But this time I'ma need someone to carry it. ha.

My nephew insists this guy isn't done. He spent 14 hours getting it this far. It won the prize AND deserved it, I might add. Frank N Stein. Super cool.

I had the idea to make the face of my Jack O Lantern out of LEAVES. I still like the idea. Bet it could have looked super cool if I had used this same idea but executed it with that layering carving process.

I can't believe I haven't written in a month and a week! I had no idea that much time had passed. Seems like I am gone constantly. Usually I am happy. Lately I am sad. Tonight was hard. I didn't see any of my kids tonight because I promised my roomie I'd hang with her tonight and help with the trick or treaters. We had a good time, actually ... but there was this gnawing inside of me that wished for my kids. Not even Basil was with me. He trick or treated with his dad. Smart move on his part, actually, because the haul was amazing over there in Orange! You should see the photo of the big bag of candy he got! Whoa! He had fun. That's what matters. Maybe next year will be different for Halloween? Hard to integrate myself into a new, more "single" life out here and not miss connections back home ... which is only an hour away .... but still ... far enough to feel distant.

In other news I feel like I am gone dating all the time. Or working. Dating or working. And I'm starting to burn out on it all. All of it, y'all. I dragged all of my art supplies into the loft so I can start working on my art work. That's what I'm yenning for ... yenning ... a word I made up. ha.

I thought my boss at the senior center was going to fire me this morning. Just last week out of nowhere and for no apparent or given reason he said that Basil can't come to work with me anymore ... and he was BARELY coming to work at ALL anymore either. But that little bit of flexibility was really helpful. I'm beginning to get the feeling that I just rub bossman the wrong way. But that's not a fair reason to let me go. I'm going to start looking for other flexible jobs. Preferably night shifts. If I have my druthers, y'know.

That's my update.

What's new with you?

I am NOT ready for Christmas or to start FEELING Christmas'y.

I MIGHT be ready for gingerbread day ... which is coming up in three weeks.

Yeah.

144 = lowest low ... and the water park

2010-09-22T11:17:00.000-07:00

OK. So what that it wasn't on my own scale. I'll take it. . . . ! ! ! :) I never thought I would see this side of 145. I was 148 forever and boney thin before I had kids! But back then I biked everywhere and swam and had a super muscular body. I need to gain muscle mass

and tone everthing now. We spent a LOT of our summer at the waterpark, thanks to Basil's dad getting us passes. (Thank you Daddy! Very very thoughtful and we enjoyed them immensely). Here are some photos of Wild Rivers Water Park.

Hot insider tip? This slide (stripey pair right there above) has seams that scratch your back rather badly. We didn't go on it. We got the hot insider tip first. Can you see the dude on the left, swirling around the "toilet bowl" before he drops through the center to the pool below? Too bad it's scratchy ... it looks like fun.

That blue one was one of our favorites. I wish I had a photo of the ABYSS but it's just pitch black forever-ness. Reportedly the SCARIEST slide in the park but I LOVED it. Such a smooth fun ride and the turns aren't hard. I GOTTA do that one again.

Basil LOVES this little play area. He can play here for an hour without blinking an eye.

We love making faces and snapping a picture.

New all time low

2010-09-19T00:29:00.000-07:00

I actually might have seen this once last month. But I was pleased to see it show up again on my scale this morning. I am getting veeeeeeeerrrrrry excited about finding exercises that will turn my legs to stone. I am just imagining how nice it will feel to be able to glance up in the mirror and see no "leg of lamb" in any fashion whatsoever.

How are you all doing, health goal wise?

A few photos from the Sawdust festival

2010-09-17T20:30:00.000-07:00

146.5

2010-09-15T01:40:00.000-07:00

I have no rhythm.
I have this beautiful life that has no ... schedule.
Except for working Sun Mon Tues I have entirely no structure to my week.

But I sure am having fun.

It's like this: Before, I was "trapped" in my house ... always looking after the tenants .... doing so much from home ... and now it's like I am free to go where I please and I do. So there's no routine and therefore no time where I just sit down each morning or each evening and do my blogging.
But let me tell you how many times I've thought of you all!
Oh so many!
So many times I go someplace and want my camera so I can show you all what I am up to. What I have seen. Where I have been (just local spots but local is pretty) ... or even just that fog by the freeway. You would have LOVED a picture of that.

So ... I guess my situation is that I am just really loving my freedom and that it leads me to be out and about at all kinds of crazy hours and I'm looking for a way to add a LITTLE structure to my days but not restrict my "movement" ... lol.

Hugs!

Wendy

My internet is up and running!

2010-07-23T01:33:00.000-07:00

Here are a few photos of my new place. I love it here.

150 I'M ALIVE

2010-06-21T10:36:00.000-07:00

Hi Guys! I know I have been off of blogging forever, huh? For two weeks I was having such HORRIBLE problems with my computer that I couldn't even stay on it for more than two minutes. I finally took it to someone to fix it, it worked great at the repair guy's house, but when I got it here I couldn't connect it to the internet. Then I tried messing with the plugs and broke the monitor plug. Took it to ANOTHER guy to fix THAT. THEN, couldn't connect to the internet. Crazy.

In the meanwhile I got called for a job interview that I wasn't expecting a response to. A residential home for 6 senior citizens with varying stages of dimentia. It took a few days to jump through hoops like physical exam, TB test, get the nurse's uniform, etc ... and then started working last Thurs and Fri. So now I work there every Thurs and Fri and Basil comes with me for the morning shift. He gest paid FIVE DOLLARS A MORNING and he feels like a RICH man after being paid in dimes and quarters for previous "jobs" around the house. He does great there.

Also, I moved into my new place in Aliso Viejo. I LOVE MY NEW PLACE! I LOVE MY NEW ROOMIE!!! I LOVE HER SON AND HER TWO CUTE LITTLE DOGS! IT'S AAAAAAWWWEESSOOOOMMMMMEEEE!!!!!!! I'm sleeping on a mattress on the floor until my real bedroom furniture gets moved on SAturday ... which is the official moving OUT day from the old place. Himster is renting a moving van that day to move all of his stuff and very graciously volunteered to move my items as well. Very much appreciated. Himster is going to his apartment in Orange, I'm going full time to my beautiful new room in my beautiful new house in Aliso Viejo. I've been taking pictures but left the camera there so can't upload them at the moment.

Also, I got hired to do an even larger wall by the same company I did the free mural for on the little wall. And the head of the company invited me to go with him, city to city, presenting the Master Mind principles to schools. I'm really reeeaaaalllly grateful for all of the opportunities that are coming my way.

Me and Himster did the last phase of our divorce paperwork together at a workshop at the court house. It went VERY VERY PEACEFULLY and I am so grateful to have an ex who is so considerate and cooperative. He knows, like KNOWS, that I have kept my word to him on everything I have promised him since we separated and he (rightfully) trusts me to continue to make Basil available to him whenever he's free to spend time with him. So the divorce can not be final until SIX MONTHS after it was filed. So the judge signs the paperwork as soon as it is given to him, then we wait for September 5th for it to be final. IF the judge has signed it by then. Which I don't know why he wouldn't.

So it's all going well right now, all y'all. All of it. Muraling on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday ... senior center on Thursday and Friday. Doing house cleaning and overnight babysitting as it becomes available. It keeps us busy but Basil and I both like earning some rent money.

Got to go!

Got to go deliver another batch of items to my new place. Moving a bit at a time and then the large items this Saturday! I'll come visit as I am able. Sorry I've been so absent ... but I've been SO productive.

I love you guys! xoxooxoxoxox

148 close ups of finished mural

2010-05-21T23:33:00.000-07:00

Look at the cement frame of the mural. I spilled paint on it and then tried covering it with light blue paint ... but I hated it ... so I mixed up a color that I hoped matched the cement frame ... and it came out *pretty* close.
Close ups.
I painted the white dots "sparkly silver" ... it looked good up close.
The people who attended the Carne Asada were really happy with the mural. That made me feel good.
Ta daaaa ... finished project...!!!!

150.5 Mural for MMA

2010-05-13T16:20:00.000-07:00

If you look closely you can see the capital M ... lower case m set inside of it ... and the lowercase a set inside (right) of the lower case m. M M a .... Master Mind Alliance. It's a mastermind group I went to in 2008 that was PHENOMENAL ... Frank runs it and he is amazing.
I feel so thankful that they invited me to paint their mural. I am REALLY enjoying it. Yesterday I got a great start on the golden circle and letters and was marveling (proudly) at how great my golden colors looked .... then .... I TOOK OFF MY SUNGLASSES.
Yup.
NOT golden. More .... beige-ish? BUMMER. So I added in a bunch more colors, like some burnt sienna and some orange to make it pop and I really like it now.

Does it look golden to you?

And no, Himster is not going to the house with me. He is going to the apartments. I am taking the kids over to visit the house and the new roomies tonight. I so love my new roomie. She is SO fun, texts me and phones me just to say hi ... really really nice. I'm really excited about my new home.

Love you guys!

Wendy

152 (150.5 yesterday)

2010-05-10T08:42:00.000-07:00

I know you can't really see it ... ok ... can't see it at ALL ... but there is an unusual bird on the right side of the walk ... that black spot on the left edge of that back yellow hill ... sitting on a tall stalk with the yellow grass behind it ... and it was some kind of TOUCAN!!! I am SURE it was. Weird looking bird with a smaller bill and less colorful .... but TOTALLY TOUCAN. It was a very unusual sighting. We also saw a hawk on Friday, teaching it's baby how to hunt. The baby RODE ON MAMA'S BACK ... lifting off and flapping then re-alighting on Mom's back and then lifting off and flapping and then landing on Mom's back ... over and over again for about four hundred feet ... then it flew back to the electric tower and the mama kept on flying away over the field. It was SO COOL.
I have lots more pictures to show you that I took from my phone ... but when I upload them to my computer I sometimes forget to look where they WENT to ... !
Lots of these daisies were all over while we hiked Friday.
And NEWS NEWS NEWS NEWS NEWS NEWS ... !

I FOUND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE!!!!

AND I LOVE IT!!!!

IT'S IN A TERRIFIC NEIGHBORHOOD SHARING A REALLY BEAUTIFUL HOME WITH ANOTHER SINGLE MOM WHO IS SUPER FRIENDLY, SUPER INTO FITNESS (SHE USED TO TEACH POLE DANCING ... STILL HAS A POLE IN HER KITCHEN) AND SUPER INTO HIKING ... I will tell you all about it later, promise! I am so sorry I haven't been by to visit. Been so busy securing housing and getting funds together to move into my own place. Got to go clean house for Fullerton dude right now.

I love you guys!

I'll blog soon, I promise! But in the meanwhile, HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!! And I read and love your comments and owe you comments too .. .and Sandy I'm totally coming over to see those photos of you and hubby. And DeEtta YES eat brownies. Though mine stuck with me through Friday and made my tummy hurt. I can't totally recommend them, lol!

OK! I love you! If I hadn't already mentioned ... lol. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxo

Photo update 152 (I ate a brownie at 2:30 a.m.!)

2010-05-04T16:17:00.000-07:00

Here are some of those photos I promised. I've been doing lots of painting for a gentleman in Fullerton. Here's his spare room before ...
.... and after! I'll get a better photo after all of the things are out of the middle of the room ... and I'll get one of the hall too. So many closets to paint! So much trim to paint! That's the time consuming one. The trim.Basil got an award at school. I knew he would be getting it but chose not to be there because I chose to paint instead ... trying to pay for that dental bill my kids got: Hannah with her implant and Rah rah with his root canal. Even with insurance it's almost $500. Crazy!
Rah rah snapped these bbq photos.
He had to point out to me that they are making faces. Now that I see the faces they are funny.

I went to check out those apartments that Himster wants us to move to after we lose this place the end of June. Someone "ratted" us out for having someone living in the addition. MY addition. MY room. I didn't build the addition ... just lived in the room. But this room has to be torn down, and without the extra rent of the additional room and without the owners discounting the rent for the reduction of rooms available to us, the bills really are too steep here, you know?

So time to simplify. Here's a collage of the new apartment building. I'll give you the link, (click on apt bldg or link) too, so you can marvel at it in all of it's glory. Even IN all of it's glory ... it's an apartment house. And what am I going to do with my feral cat? She's NEVER lived inside and I don't think she will. I can't imagine her sticking to just the deck outside of the apartment. I'll have to keep thinking. And visiting the apartments today made me notice how SMALL apartments are! I'd have to get rid of EVERYTHING. That's a plus. Really. Hmmm. More thinking. Check out the photos and click on the link ... because the place really IS nice. Basil would love the pools and I'd love the bbq.
More random photos:
Me painting the one of the closets in Fullerton.
Basil on the slide at park day. We BOTH love that slide...!!!

... and of course ... "fifty pushes" on the swing ... but this time he negotiated for EIGHTY pushes on the swing.
No wonder he looks so pleased with himself. lol

147.5 yesterday and 150 today

2010-05-01T09:38:00.000-07:00

And as I started typing RAH RAH walked in with my UPLOADING CABLE! YAYYYY!!!!

I'll put pictures up VERY shortly.

I've been very busy working odd jobs ... painting rooms for a dude... cleaning house for the same dude (he's my best customer) ... and mostly APPLYING APPLYING APPLYING for odd jobs. I've found some super ones where you get paid for just sleeping over at people's houses and keeping their elderly or their children safe at night while the adult house member works a night shift elsewhere. Those jobs are sweet. Sleep at night somewhere else ... check on the person in the morning and get them situated ... come back and spend the day with Basil. I've already worked one of the jobs and I reeeaalllly enjoyed that little boy. We really hit it off.

I figure that even if I only work three nights a week it will make a significant difference in the budget. If I get paid 50 a night it adds up to $600 a month which is enough money to do things like fill my car with gas a lot of times ... or to get a summer pass for Basil to a water park ... and I can save the rest for the upcoming move. I'll tell you all about that as soon as it "solidifies".

I had an idea that I like. What do you think of this? I could run a little summer camp ... key word LITTLE ... just take three extra kids with me to all of the fun places I take Basil and treat these kids like family... you know? And the five of us (Basil, the three kids, and myself) could go all over the place. The income from the camp would fund the outings and pay for good groceries. I love good groceries.

OK. ... speaking of good groceries, Basil is hungry. Gotta go fix him breakfast. His favorite: cereal (Joe's O's) and milk. :)

Looking forward to visiting you!!!

152

2010-04-27T23:21:00.000-07:00

Apparently my photo uploading cable is on a trip. I wonder where it went?

...round the corner from the 140's

2010-04-20T22:58:00.000-07:00

I seriously never thought I would see the day. Well ... yeah. Never.

I got this award from Sandee at Comedy Plus

2010-04-18T19:05:00.000-07:00

If you haven't been to Sandee's blog "Comedy Plus" you should go. It's a great blog with lots of great jokes. I pass along this award to everyone who wants to play the "one word answer" game. Here are my answers:

Your Cell Phone? – New
Your Hair? – Blonde
Your Mother? – intelligent
Your Father? – crosswordguy
Your Favorite Food? – health
Your Dream Last Night? – planets
Your Favorite Drink? – milk(with tons of ice)
Your Dream/Goal? – balance
What Room Are You In? – bedroom
Your Hobby? – hiking
Your Fear? – abandonment
Where Do You Want To Be In Six Years? – satisfied
Where Were You Last Night? – home
Something That You Aren’t? – fat
Muffins? – poppyseed
Wish List Item? – financial-freedom
Where Did You Grow Up? – so cal
Last Thing You Did? – phone
What Are You Wearing? – dress
Your TV? – big
Your Pets? – cat
Friends? – you
Your Life? – good
Your Mood? – mellow
Missing Someone? – sometimes
Vehicle? – van
Something You Aren’t Wearing? – footwear
Your Favorite Store? – Mother's
Your Favorite Color? – gamboge
When Was The Last Time You Laughed? – Today
Last Time You Cried? – yesterday
Your Best Friend? – Sannie
One Place You Go To Over And Over Again? – hiking
Facebook? – occasionally
Favorite Place To Eat? – Alberto's

How boring is my blog lately?

2010-04-18T18:13:00.000-07:00

It seems like all I do lately is hike and post my weight loss milestones.

I know it doesn't make for very interesting reading. I'm looking for something more interesting to share.

I did have an interesting week. It made me feel "popular". Phone calls from friends, old friend came out and hiked ... older friend came out and hiked ... also cleaned my room. Sold the loft bed which was taking up a lot of room in my room and now my room feels SO much more spacious. I'll take a few photos. I also made a butterfly window. I'll take pictures of that too.
Speedcat, our buddy and pal, asked me to interview him on his blog! Totally fun. My first question to him was: When did you first realize you had the power of flight? And he answered: "well ... as a child relatives would throw me up in the air, then forget about me. I had to learn quick." LOLOLOL!!! I know that the rest of his answers are going to be HILARIOUS, as per usual, so be sure to click on his name over there in the right column and go read the interview and his entertaining answers. And read the rest of his blog while you are there. He's a super intelligent, fun, friendly guy who I totally adore. Who doesn't?

OK. Go read Speedy's blog. And remember that summer is coming and opportunities for improved health are all around you. Spring is here. Take up a new hobby that gets you out and about. It's not about creating a body that other people accept or approve of. That's something they don't have a right to control or judge. It's about knowing that your body is functioning optimally and going to be around for a long long time to come. It's about feeling TERRIFIC. It sure feels good. If you've been thinking about it and putting it off ... why not give a new habit a try?

Now ... if you'll excuse me ... I'm going to go eat some bacon.

A new all time low (by .5 lbs)

2010-04-17T23:48:00.000-07:00

This is even less than I weighed when I married Himster.

153.5 ...

2010-04-13T01:51:00.000-07:00

Just imagine 153 toes on one hand and .five on the other. :)

153 new all time low

2010-04-09T13:41:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I drove Pete to the airport. We stopped at this cool park that has been used in like two dozen movie scenes. The one I was interested in was "Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog".... it was reeeeaaalllly stinky at the north end.
.... and the bridge???
Has an iron gate and lock ... keeping everyone off of the little island.
But how cool were the little baby turtles swimming in the lake?
And how fun to be surrounded by curious ducks and geese while we sat and talked.

I enjoyed the park.

154 The Earthquake. or. MY OWN PERSONAL WAVE POOL

2010-04-06T15:39:00.000-07:00

VIDEO WON'T LOAD

I recommend that you just go to about the minute mark and then watch the water sloshing over at the far right back corner, and then the far forward left corner.

After the earthquake ... which was a bookooo long earthquake that started with soft rolling waves and then larger and larger waves ... I looked out the window and saw the pool going CRAZY. The water's sloshing kept on gaining this momentum, just like when you agitate bath water ... with the water racing from one end of the tub to the other. THAT was the effect the earthquake had on the pool. The water sloshed harder and higher over the edges after the quake was over.

I was beginning to wonder if the waves would ever settle down. They did. But what a ride.

Before the pool waves could settle down completely I let Basil jump in to enjoy them. :) I wish I had gotten a picture of THAT.

155.5 Pedicures make me feel ... super!

2010-04-03T12:53:00.000-07:00

Pedicures ... and ten dollar shoes (OK ... this pair was a little more but it's SO comfortable and versatile)

make me feel ... So happy!!! A few years back I wouldn't have been able to post that photo!!!

At one time I couldn't stand photos of myself.

One day I thought of how ridiculous that is. To not like my face. To not like my body. To not just look at myself and FEEL beautiful.

The critical voice in my head was SO loud and it made powerful points that I could verify by looking at my photos. It was also malicious and gave no credit ... only criticism. I hated what it had to say and the proofs that it offered, but I believed it and didn't "struggle" to free myself of it's point of view because I was so sure it was right. I felt miserable believing the voice. I wanted to be beautiful.

But sometimes, in my photos, I could see a little contradictory evidence. Hey! I have sexy hair today. My eyes are kind of pretty. I like my smile. Couldn't those things go together to make someone pretty? And in occasional random photos ... like one out of one hundred ... I actually saw someone stunning and wondered if the voice had just lied, outright. I began to wonder why it wasn't "OK", in the belief system I had created to manage my life, to want to be beautiful or to own any beauty that I managed to see in myself??? Where did that come from and what purpose did THAT serve?

So ... one year ago when I found myself STILL looking at photos of myself and cringing ... a little light went on. Maybe those photos were reflecting my thought process? Maybe I was just making a face in those photos because of my belief that I was not going to be able to take a pretty picture???? Self fulfilling prophecy of some sort??? Maybe if I thought differently while I posed, I'd look different too????

So I assigned myself a little exercise that I have since found to be very valuable and which I feel comfortable to recommend to anyone who felt the same way I did.

Now ... once every month or two ... I sit and take photos of myself and look at each one as I take it. And I let myself laugh at the ones where I pulled a face, and then I photograph myself while I'm laughing. While I'm making even sillier faces on purpose ... and I try making sexy faces ... and kissy faces ... and any other face that I "know" won't turn out for ME ... because that's the one I need to overturn ... and I just enjoy myself. Then I just sit and look at them and I enjoy them. A few of them are harder to enjoy than others. But a few of them prove the critic wrong. I AM beautiful.

I think it's a healthy thought to have. It makes me happy... walking.... driving.... knowing that I'm beautiful. It makes me feel more free to smile at people and to start conversations. It makes me feel like I have permission to be included and to include others. Weird, huh? But I like it.

Here are two from this morning:
(I make myself include parts of my body that made me cringe when I looked at them before. The voice tells me that my NECK is HIDEOUS and that I have BANANA breasts)
One of these days I'll be brave enough to POST the pictures of my legs. Yikes!

OK OK! I'll do it NOW.

And I REALLY have a story going on in my head about them!!!.

Aaaarrrrrgggghhhhhhhhhhh! But ooooh! Check out my feet! Sexy. And they DO look very smooth. Double oooooh. ha. Sigh! I'll keep on hiking.

156 Random photos from yesterday

2010-04-02T13:06:00.000-07:00

Hannah ... dressing the mannequin legs in jeans. Uphill felt TOUGH yesterday after taking that STROLLER up the hill with Rafa on Tuesday.Samuel is looking for cactus's to cook and eat.
Ra took a bunch of flower photos.
I hadn't noticed these until someone pointed them out to me ... apparently hiking lovers tie panties to a tree branch to "mark their spot".
The clouds were BEAUTIFUL yesterday.
There is some new graffitti on the water tower.
Ra Ra and Mundo found this cool "glade" down by the parking lot on the other side of the road. It had a rope swing with a branch tied to it that we all swung on. WOO HOOOOO!

The first time I rode the rope swing ... it was totally fun and I didn't run into ANYTHING. But the second time???OW. I totally swung into the rocky wall. And right before that happened Mundo casually said: "You might swing into the rocky wall." Yup. (and I hit HARD! All of those muscles hurt!!!) But swinging on that rope swing was still fun and I'm glad I did it. What's next??? Wooo hooooooooooooooooo!!!

Shopping for a dress for the Master Mind Alliance Reunion tomorrow. It's a fancy shmancy thing at the Ritz Carlton. Can we all say: Oooh Ahhh ... yummy?

I found GREAT shoes for only $10 dollars this morning. It's HOW MANY GREAT SHOES I FOUND THIS MORNING FOR ONLY $10 THAT'S THE PROBLEM. ha ha ha haha haaa.

155.5 Still just enjoying the moments

2010-03-31T00:13:00.000-07:00

... bought an external hard drive yesterday so I could upload all of my photos to it. With all of that memory NOT used up on my PC, I should have a much easier time running programs on my computer. :)

155.5 "Monrovia Falls Again" .... or "Water water everywhere ...."

2010-03-29T19:14:00.000-07:00

"If you wear my shirt (Basil's is orange ... Ra's is brown) you will be able to jump over this bench like me." ... "really???" SWITCH!!!
Ra Ra carried Basil for a large portion of the hike. I don't know why. Basil also did lots of climbing and running and got soaked in the falls. He had a GREAT time.
"Wanna ride on my shoulders, Basil?" "YES!" :)
Basil at a tiny fall. ... just some water spilling over the dam. It was 85 degrees on Sunday so we were HAPPY to get wet.
.. .. and so was this salamander. It IS a salamander, isn't it?
"I've never been on a hike to a waterfall before." You can do it, Mondo!
"blub blub blub yoooouuuu caaannnnn dooooo iiitttt checkered thinnnnggg!"
.. . "Well if Ra Ra can jump off of this thing III can certainly jump off of this thing. ow." (I know you can't tell in the picture ... but the top of that log is 5' off the ground. " ' " = foot. not inch.
"Everything is easy for ME. I'm amazing."
"I love getting wet. Woooo hooooooooooo!"

Basil and I jumped right in. I think because we are kids, him and I.

You know ... I was the ONLY "adult" who went in. Ra Ra and Mondo were SO HOT .. . but naahhh ... we're not going in. "What about you?" I asked lots of the adults. Encouraged lots of them. You could see this look of longing on their face like they WANTED to ... and a few of them even leaned in closer and put their hands in. But that was it. And so many people were HOT. It was 85!!! And they STILL didn't go in. What a missed opportunity to experience a thrill. To experience ICE WATER hitting your head with amazing realness! DIRT and GRAVEL between your toes! It's GREAT. Nothing on this earth feels like gravel between your toes ... or like barefooting up to the fall on those hard little rocks! I'm the only one who thrills at this? No. Just me and Basil.

I had such a beautiful moment of just ENJOYING THE MOMENT I WAS IN while I laid out on that big rock by the fall ... watching Tristan play ... dripping dry for a few moments and absorbing that terrific sun. Nothing fretted me. Everything felt AMAZING!!! ALL I could do was smile. A few people did a double take as they glanced at my face and glanced again and lit up with big smiles on their faces. :)

Man ... life is good.

You want to know what another "incomparable" feeling is? RUNNING pell mell at break neck speed down the 1.7 mile long trail back to your car (exhilarating!!!) while your yoga pants keep sliding further and further down your bum. ha!!! (it's OWN kind of exhilaration) run pull run pull run pull run pull pulll!!!!! run run run pulllll!!!! Woo hoooooooo!

Speaking of "reveling in moments" ...

I had another one of those "just reveling in the moment" moments this morning when I ran to Target and MUSE came on the radio with "UPRISING"! I parked my car, reclined my seat half way .. . put my feet up on the dash board and drummed on my thighs and sang along with the biggest happiest smile on my face.

Life is FULL of beautiful moments. Sometimes I sit and look at old photos ... reminiscing. Today I noticed that "reminiscing moments" are moments I could have spent living a NEW moment. Creating a NEW beautiful memory.

Just sayin'.

155 Upholstery cleaners

2010-03-27T13:08:00.000-07:00

My son and his best friend surprised me this week by telling me they were going to clean my car for me.
This morning they scrubbed the heck out of the upholstery and it looks WONDERFUL.
They also surprised me with breakfast in bed! Mmmmmmmmmmmm. Omelette, banana, baby carrots, flour tortillas (allergic oops) with cheese and ham rolled up inside of them, orange juice, and milk full of ice chips. How much do they think I can eat? lol
I certainly enjoyed driving them to the band competition while sitting on a reeeaaaallllly clean seat.

152.5?!?! Random photos from the week

2010-03-24T11:16:00.000-07:00

Found this photo on my camera when I came back from the seminar this weekend. I think Ra Ra created a food masterpiece for Katie.
I snapped this picture after taking Basil swimming at the gym. I looked in the rearview mirror and said: "oh my gosh! I have a healthy glow on my cheeks! That is AWESOME." You know ... I bet we all feel this way, but when you look at yourself do you feel like you look your age? I think people in general are looking younger every year. lol
I came home last week to find that Ra Ra had set up the Rokenbok set for Basil. :)!!!!! What a beautiful surprise!!! I got this train set for cheap off of e bay about two years back.
Basil enjoying park day last week. I am so glad that today is park day! I really enjoy it!!!!
Dr. Jekyl and Miss Wendster ... one and the same ... I go crazy over hiking nowadays.

Did you notice that I weigh 152.5 today? I got on the scale like FOUR TIMES and I'm all certain that it's going to tell me something different each time. Holy cow! And I've been eating EVERYTHING all weekend too. Cookies, chips, whatever I want. It's been a nice hungry five days.

Well ... THAT was an interesting blog post.

Come back later this week. There will be another one just like it. ha.

154.5 again

2010-03-23T21:21:00.000-07:00

But I have more of an appetite now. That feels good.

Going to go read a bedtime story to Basil.

xoxooxxooxx I love you bloggy friends!

154.5

2010-03-21T01:34:00.000-07:00

At a refresher seminar this weekend and MAN IS IT GOOD!

New all time low. But I ate a HUGE lunch today of taquitos and guacamole and gigantic chip basket. I shouldn't have eaten the basket. Only the chips. ha.

new all time low

2010-03-19T00:44:00.000-07:00

155.5

Woo hoooooooooooooo!!!!

On the not so great side, I'm losing so much weight because no foods appeal to me. Nothing tastes good. Eating is a "chore". Bleah. I just "make" myself do it because I know I'm supposed to ... but I hardly eat at all.

I am burnt to a crisp, guys! I hiked 7 miles today but didn't know we were going to hike that far so I didn't put on layers or sunblock .... and I'm going to go again tomorrow morning! Woo hoooo! I'm REALLY enjoying hiking! Like, ALOT. But tomorrow's hike will just be a short one.

Then I have a lunch date. Oooooooooooooooooh. Lunch date. lol. Nice guy. Not sure what I think of him because I tend to "count people out" if they have a habit I don't like ... and he likes beer. I had lunch with him on Monday and he drank two of them. We'll see what he drinks tomorrow.

Also met an interesting person on my hike today who chatted with me when we got to the top of the hill (the water tower) and he joined us for the rest of our hike. He's a longshoreman and I learned from him that being a longshoreman is VERY dangerous. 15 men have died at the Port of Long Beach in the 15 years he's been there. The lesson learned? NOTHING OVER YOUR HEAD. EVER. No matter if the c van is secured with 50 chains from a crane. Never let anything be over your head. If you are under it the crane operator can't see you and they will set it on you and crush you. And maybe they're drunk ... or on drugs ... or cranky .. or speed demons ... whatever. Another interesting fact: He was born on the same day that Himster was. Different year. July 3rd. ha.

Ooooh! We saw a rattlesnake today! Scary. I might have stepped on it if Angie hadn't have been watching. It didn't rattle, either.

Went and re-audited the first night of the PSI Seminar Basic course (re-auditing is free) and sat with ... can you guess? THE CONTROLLERS. And by that I mean the people who chose as their stronger character traits "dominant" and "formal" (as opposed to "flow with" and "informal") ... this is a group that I have always avoided sitting with because I have always thought it was WRONG to control people ... they are the group that I judged the MOST. But sitting with these people and listening to them talk about their greatest likes and greatest dislikes was like entering a comfort zone and LISTENING TO MYSELF TALK!!! o m g ! ! ! Very very enlightening ... especially when my big aha for the week was "letting go". The nice thing about it was I saw the "good" side of controlling. These people make great CEO's who get the job done and are great decision makers. It was nice to see a trait that I had perceived as a completely "negative" character trait of mine in a "good" light. Helps me feel like I haven't been a "shmuck" all this time.

Got to go to bed.

Hope you all have a great week.

Baking Bread

2010-03-17T10:55:00.000-07:00

2010

March 17 2010 (my actual journal entry from this morning ... unedited)

I had an idea this morning that seemed helpful in finding a way to help myself let go of control.

The “path” or “pattern” to letting go of a thing that seems impossible to let go of would be found in following the SAME path you took when you let go of something that was EASY to let go of. Same process. Same same. Same as that EASY thing you let go of because you didn’t have an interest in that thing’s outcome, possibly …. Or the thing where you had an A HA like:

Why do I want to control the outcome of Basil going down that slide? Big fat hairy deal!~!!! It’s a ride down a SLIDE (this one is made up but could be so true for me) … I have to tell him how to sit at the top? How to hold on? I can’t just LET him have his ride down the slide? Or even better … what about times when other people want to do something and I don’t want them to?

WHY!!!!???????? WOULD??? I??? WANT??? TO??? INFLUENCE??? THEIR??? DECISION????

“I want to bring my kids to your park day.”

“Unnmm … I think that would make me feel weird.”

“Oh. Ok. No. It’s OK. It was just a thought.”

THE FRIKKIN’ UNIVERSE IS TEEELLLLIIINNNGGG HIM THAT HE WANTS TO COME ALL THE WAY HERE AND BRING HIS KIDS TO MEET ME AND I WANT TO INTERFERE WITH WHAT THE UNIVERSE IS TRYING TO CREATE FOR ME????????

WHY?!?!?!

DO I CREATE BETTER OUTCOMES THAN NATURAL CONSEQUENCES DO? MAYBE!?! BUT MAYBE NOT~!!!! MAYBE I SHOULD LET COLLECTIVE EFFORTS FORM THE RESULT .. . LIKE IN A MASTER MIND … RATHER THAN TRYING TO FORCE THE WHOLE GROUP OF PEOPLE INVOLVED IN THAT EVENT INTO MMMYYYYYY OUTCOME? WHICH IS THIS FABRICATED IMAGINED OUTCOME THAT SEEMED DESIRABLE TO ME WHEN I THOUGHT ABOUT IT SO I NOW NEED EVERY SINGLE OTHER PERSON INVOLVED IN THAT DECISION TO MAKE THE OUTCOME BE THE ONE I IMAGINED! IT IS RIDICULOUS!!!

THAT “A HA” on Sunday morning was the fuel for my first feeling of actual happiness in letting go. Before that it only felt like I resented knowing that letting go was the answer. I resented it! Yes I know that letting go would help me relax and help others to follow their own joy instead of me needing to control it … yes I know that …. But I resent it and why can’t EVERYONE do EVERYTHING … MY .. WAY ! ! ! Because I’m right! How long have I needed to be right? I am almost FIFTY!!! And I’ve needed to be right ALL THIS TIME????? Holy cow!!! Sunday morning was the first time I actually got this feeling of peace when I had this little daydream about letting go. As per usual I was sitting in the breakthrough room … this time at my desk … some people around me said something to me, I said something to them …

all of it about letting go and me feeling this realization that

controlling the outcome PREVENTS ME FROM GETTING THE THINGS THAT I WANT and BAM! That realization made me FLOAT! I was completely LIGHT.(bloggy readers ... this should have more emphasis marks around it because THIS was THE THING that turned me)

BECAUSE I AM ALWAYS ARTIFICIALLY MANIPULATING THE OUTCOME … OR AT LEAST TRYING TO. HOW SCIENTIFICALLY RIDICULOUS IS THAT????

I’m taking a pregnancy test (... this is hypothetical bloggy readers) … the stick (the system) works but I MANIPULATE IT BY POURING SOMETHING OTHER THAN URINE ON THE STICK (why? Because I NEED a particular outcome and so I do something OTHER THAN what the directions specify because I think doing that thing will be MORE CERTAIN to give me the outcome I’m seeking) … “Oh! I’m not pregnant!” And then I come up with an incorrect conclusion because I DIDN’T TRUST THE SYSTEM.

“The stick works and it told me that I am not pregnant so I’m not.”

(??? And nine months later … and I DIDN’T SEE IT COMING when the answer was ABSOLUTELY AVAILABLE TO ME but I was UNWILLING TO LET THE UNIVERSE DELIVER THE ANSWER.

I WAS UNWILLING TO TRUST THE SYSTEM.

Are you reading this? Are you able to see it as anything OTHER THAN ridiculous to alter the outcome!??!?! It. Is. Stupid!)

OR … “I’m absolutely certain that I AM pregnant and I trust my own evaluations of things but I DON’T TRUST THE SYSTEMS AROUND ME. The stick doesn’t work! Stupid system! Stupid stick! Who needs this anyways!??!!?”

THERE IS NO WIN IN NOT USING THE SYSTEMS AND TRUSTING IN THE SYSTEMS.

I’m baking bread. The loaf wants to come out of the oven PERFECTLY but I need it to come out DIFFERENTLY (MY WAY) so I mess with it. I MANIPULATE THE RESULT. And I’m SUCCESSFUL in that manipulation but look at the result?!!!!!! The loaf of bread is SUCCESSFULLY ALTERED

BUT WHAT COULD IT HAVE BEEN?

It could have been BEAUTIFUL and PERFECT

and I could have just let it do it’s thing as the Universe/God was creating this PERFECT THING FOR ME but I had this other picture of how it should end up so I MESSED WITH IT.

I CONTROLLED IT OUT OF FEAR THAT IT MIGHT COME OUT DIFFERENTLY THAN I THOUGHT IT SHOULD OR OTHER THAN I THOUGHT I WANTED IT TO.

Because I was so certain that I needed the outcome that I was so certain that I wanted and because I was so fearful of the UNKNOWN outcome …. When the universe has been

FRIKKIN’ BAKING COOKIES FOR CENTURIES ….

IT CAN BE TRUSTED TO GET IT RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!

GOD CAN BE TRUSTED TO GET IT RIGHT.

THE SYSTEMS CAN BE TRUSTED TO GET IT RIGHT.

Look at all of the things that come out perfectly.

What seems right to me and the only thing I can picture now is to trust systems to run perfectly. The systems of the universe run perfectly.

ALL OF THE SYSTEMS OF THE UNIVERSE RUN PERFECTLY.

FRIKKIN’ TRUST THEM AND LET GO.

It feels like the ONLY thing I want to do now.

That being said I still find myself wanting people to do what I want them to do.

So the “aha” from this morning was to just think of the stick. Think of the bread. Think of all of those things that come out just the way they should when I DON’T manipulate them AND give people their free agency to BAKE THEIR OWN BREAD.

LET THEM HAVE PERFECT BREAD.

LET THEM MESS UP THEIR BREAD.

IT. IS. THEIR. BREAD. ! ! !

I’ve baked my own bread for almost 50 years now and I’ve learned something each time I’ve come up with a weird loaf.

Let other people BE. God trusts them to run their own experiments in life … why would any other system be better than His? And frikkin’ think about the fact that INTERFERING WITH THE SYSTEMS INTERFERES WITH THE RESULT.

WHEN I AM “SUCCESSFUL” AT CONTROLLING OTHER PEOPLE’S OUTCOMES … WHEN I KEEP THEM FROM SAYING WHAT IT IS THEY WANTED TO SAY, WHEN I KEEP THEM FROM EXPRESSING WHAT IT WAS THEY WANTED TO EXPRESS … WHEN I KEEP THEM FROM GIVING ME WHAT IT WAS THEY WANTED TO GIVE TO ME … I FRIKKIN’ INTERFERE WITH *T*H*E*I*R* LOAVES OF BREAD AND *M*Y* *L*O*A*F* *O*F* *B*R*E*A*D*!!!!!

AND THE BREAD COULD HAVE BEEN PERFECT

AND … MORE THAN THAT …

IT WWWAAANNNNTED TO BE PERFECT!

IT WAS DESTINED TO BE PERFECT!!!!

But I had to screw with it.

So the next time I see someone doing something, saying something, expressing something, being something and I want to CONTROL THEIR LOAF.

SHUT UP.

LET GO.

BECAUSE WHEN I AM SUCCESSFUL AT LETTING GO AND REALLY FEELING THE TRUST IN THE SYSTEMS AROUND ME, I FEEL AS LIGHT AS A FEATHER AND TRULY JOYFUL.

And when I fear that their input is going to RUIN a LOAF THAT WE ARE BAKING TOGETHER? (That is the really tough one) …

RECOGNIZE THAT THE LOAF HAS TO END UP BEING WHAT BBBOOOTTTHHHH OF US WANT IT TO BE.

So when I want someone to love me and they want to express their love DIFFERENTLY than I want them to?

WHAT THEY ARE EXPRESSING IS WHAT IS REAL FOR THEM! WHAT IS TRUE FOR THEM!

I’M GOING TO MAKE IT BE SOMETHING DIFFERENT?!??!?!

Yup. I don’t think so. It’s about ACCEPTING who people are. Who they want to be to you.

And I’m not saying that I feel the need to accept EVERYTHING they offer. “I want to kill you.” “Ummmm …. NO.” I don’t want that thanks. We still have to keep ourselves safe … but I’m talking about accepting “news” from people: ‘I’m angry with you!’ That is good to know! Why should I block that? It’s USEFUL and alerts me to a situation I can address.

I’m beginning to think that aside from people actually wanting to “harm” me that I am willing to accept ANY of their input.

The rest of the day I think I will consider how their input affects MY loaf of bread.

Because maybe I don’t’ want to hang out with people who want to alter my bread…?

Maybe I want to hang with other people who have learned to let GO.

I wanna let go.

156 MONROVIA FALLS and DUCKS in the POOL

2010-03-14T19:36:00.000-07:00

Our guest from out of town likes to hike so I took him to Monrovia to hike to the falls this morning. Here's the photo he snapped of me with his phone. I should have had him send me the one of him as well. We'll call that a blogging demerit for lack of thoroughness. :)This afternoon we saw a suprising sight out in our pool.
DUCKS.
We couldn't believe our eyes!
Basil fed them bread.
And watched them for about an hour with his Dad.They sure looked happy to be skitting along our pool.

If you wanna ... you can watch the video of Basil feeding them.

155.5

2010-03-13T02:44:00.001-08:00

Company from out of town!

will write soon. :)

157 Turkish Consolate, Getty Villa, Manhattan Beach,

2010-03-09T01:59:00.000-08:00

My house mate/tenant, "Turk", who is here from Turkey, needed a ride to the Turkish Consolate in LA today.
Since he hasn't seen much of California yet, I volunteered to take him to the Getty Villa after he was done at the consolate. Since he doesn't have a car he was very thankful for the opportunity to see some of the sights.
At the Villa, there was an interactive display where you could make your own Greek urn.
His.
Mine.
Recognize the "warrior" chick on the bust of this "urn"?
You've gotta take your picture by the reflecting pool.
Hey! I wore these same jeans last summer (red T). LOL
Hmmm ... I think I *do* look a little skinnier this year (green T).
I remember this guy being in the pool last year too. Merry Gentleman.
Oh yes ... and this poor amputee.
After the Getty Villa, we drove down the coast to Manhattan Beach to see the pier, the aquarium on the pier, and the "locals".It was a little overcast, but all in all it was a nice day. I enjoyed the outing and the company.

156.5 game night

2010-03-08T01:10:00.000-08:00

156

2010-03-07T00:59:00.001-08:00

For reals? And I stayed up eating popcorn last night, too!

Tough day. I talked with a friend on the phone for hours and hours and that helped.

I know my blog is kind of boring lately. I'll get back to "interesting" shortly, I hope.

xoxoxoxo smootch

157 all week long

2010-03-05T23:30:00.000-08:00

except for when I was 156.5 or 157.5. I do believe that the 150's are here to stay!

What a night.

Tonight I attempted to go see a movie. Percy What's his name (oh yes ... Jackson) and the Olympians. Something about a Lightning Thief. It sounded good. I had the "night off" while Basil went swimming with Dad.

Long story short ... the long lines weren't short. Impossible to get in for the start of a movie when the lines are THAT LONG and the movie is starting NOW. Driving to another theater to go see it when you don't know what time the movie starts THERE isn't such a good idea either.

The fire pit was nice, though.

The baked potato from the food court wasn't tooooo bad.

And the people watching was memorable.

That's the first time I've ever seen a kid overdose and the police surround him, cuff him to the bike rack, and the fire department come. They all stayed for quite a while. When I finally left, an hour later, to go home ... he was still cuffed to the bike rack. Oh. I missed THAT movie because the marquis said: 10:45 ... but it meant 10:45 in the afternoon. DANG IT. I hung out til 10:30 JUST to see the movie and it had already had it's last showing.

What a night.

156.5

2010-03-01T15:40:00.000-08:00

Basil and I hiked yesterday. We climbed the STEEP hill in the direct sun and took a lot of breaks. When we finally made it to the water tower, we sat in the shade of the tower to rest and after a moment a sad thought grabbed me and I started to cry. I did NOT want to cry. I wanted Basil's hike to be fun. Light. A happy memory. I stared at a big puddle and saw something moving on the water. "What is THAT?" I asked out loud. Flowers floating? A spider on the water with multi-colored legs? Sitting on a tiny bunch of blue flowers??? A tiny boatman, maneuvering his water craft. I thanked the boatman for rescuing me from my blue abyss and got out my camera. We watched the bug and photographed it and speculated about it. Basil guessed that it was a crab. It turned out to be a fly? on a little branch of flowers ... just gliding back and forth across the water. We found another one and looked for more. Eventually we got cold and walked on and found all kinds of bottle caps at the top of the other hill. He thought it was the best treasure find we have ever found. "We are RICH!" We are going to make them into Ellie badges. All 21 of them.

157

2010-02-28T00:26:00.000-08:00

Yeah. I know. All I talk about anymore is weight loss. It's the way I avoid talking about other stuff. This weekend, what is on my mind and I don't really want to talk about is Pete. Pete has met and moved in with someone. He's happy. We like for people to be happy. I'm pretty sure y'all know I loved Pete and wanted him to "pick me". He came and picked me up for a few hours yesterday so we could go sit somewhere and talk ... this because he knew I was really hurting and he was wise enough to know that I needed to talk. Talking with him about it felt devastating and therapeutic and like a reality check. Like a "reality rain" that drenches you through your clothes, skin, bones, and organs and you can do nothing other than recognize you're soaked. It's real. "Get over it, ya wee Jessie! " Shouts McSquizzy the Squirrel (Open Season ... great movie character with a VERY direct way of saying things.)

Have you ever argued with a red traffic light? Like it needs to be green because YOU want it to be green? And arguing was HOW effective in changing the outcome?

That's my metaphor for today.

I'm going to think about something else for a while.

Today I'm going to celebrate A THING. Some thing. Someone told me that the indians do this thing where they CELEBRATE their victories, big and small.

This person challenged me to think of five "victories"/"things to celebrate" every day. Name them at dinner with your family. Have every family member do it. CHEER AND CLAP for them as they name them.

In that vein, here are five things I will celebrate with you today.

1. Basil has both of his parents in his life ROUND THE CLOCK even though we are divorcing. Credit to ME and credit to Himster for that one. But guess who's idea it was? And guess who pushed for it? That was ME. Wooo hooooooo clap clap cheer WOO!!!

2. I learn something new ALL the time ... as a result, just this week at least two people have told me that I am wise and that they always learn things from talking to me. Things that are meaningful to them. Wow. And it's not the only time I've heard it ... although I must tell you I really don't notice it in myself. I also know that I don't always see "my greatness" ... other people have to point it out to me sometimes. So: YYYEEEEAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! I am WISE!!! I give direction to people's lives!!! wOO HOOOOOOooOOoooOOO!!!

3. My kids love me. The crowd goes WILD! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!

4. I've kept the den REALLY clean ALL WEEK LONG. Who rocks!?!?!??!?!?!?!!? YAAHHH!!!

5. I. AM. SKINNY!!! Just look at how skinny I've gotten! That, to me, represents "stick-to-it-ive-ness" over the course of years. A truly wise woman, Baba A, told me that if you ONLY change ONE little thing about your daily habits (eat sandwiches with only ONE slice of bread, not two), and that causes you to lose a pound a month, in twelve months you will have lost 12 pounds. In five years you will have lost 60 pounds. I think we can all imagine ourselves living at least another five years, yes? So that 60 lb thing is a VERY POSSIBLE thing. Chances are we'll live another 40 years. A pound a month for FORTY years? Whoa! I have lost FOUR HUNDRED AND EIGHTY POUNDS!!! Where am I? I have NO pounds! I have REVERSE pounds on the scale!!! That one slice of bread you gave up is a POWERFUL thing.
Now, look at the opposite possibility. If I GAIN a pound a month through little daily decisions: inactivity .. a handful of chips... where will I be in five years? twenty years? In twenty years I will have gained 240 pounds!!!!! Even if I only gain HALF a pound every month (seems small, huh?) I will gain 120 lbs in 20 years. Each choice is significant. Little daily habits take us to HUGELY different destinations.
I often think of how tired I get when I carry in the groceries. How much do THOSE weigh? Let's say they weigh 10 lbs. Can you IMAGINE strapping 24 10 lb. grocery bags to yourself and CARRYING THEM WITH YOU NIGHT AND DAY!?!?!?!? WE. ALL. DO. How are we able to ignore that? Our bones notice. Our muscles notice. Our organs and systems notice. Ahem. Our SPOUSES notice. How would your life change WITHOUT those bags? And is there anything wrong with enjoying normal foods and only changing ONE or TWO little things in our day and then being SATISFIED to lose those bags SLOWLY!??? PERMANENTLY.

THAT is what I am celebrating. I noticed the grocery bags and said: Holy Frikkin' Cow! WHY AM I WILLING TO DO THIS??? IF SOMEONE ELSE STRAPPED THESE WEIGHTS TO ME, I'D HAVE A FIT! I'D SUE!!! I'D SUE THEM FOR EVERY LOSS AND EVERY BIT OF DAMAGE IN ME THAT CREATED!!! But I won't yell at MYSELF for strapping them to myself!?!?!? The PRICE IS THE SAME. THE DAMAGE IS THE SAME. I choose to be my own advocate and get myself the "SETTLEMENT" I DESERVE. And THAT is something to CELEBRATE.

So ... while it PAINS me to show you the BEFORE pictures and the horrible life choices that those pounds are proof of ... it pleases me greatly to know that I am the kind of person who is willing to LOOK at myself HONESTLY and change the things that aren't working. Any and all of them.

The way we do ANYTHING is the way we do EVERYTHING.

And honest evaluations and change have become not my exception, but what is USUAL for me ... and for that? The crowds go WILD for twenty minutes wooo yaaa hhhhh!

BEFORES are from November, 2006

... I made this dress during me time on Friday out of an old wrap and blouse pattern. woo hooo again!

157.5 TODAY'S cards

2010-02-26T01:29:00.000-08:00

My pens are alcohol based and soak through to the other side of the card ... I use this little piece of cardstock to protect the other side of the envelope or card.
I drew this from a sticker I was looking at.
I drew this for Bex ... queen of the butterflies.
Drew this kitten from a sticker as well.
I love these stickers.
Here's the back.
This was very fun to do.