New Blog

I created a NEW blog where I can password protect the entries I choose to password protect.

Because guess what? I need a place to talk. Without screening everything I say. Without wondering if I have "armed" someone.

THIS blog will remain. :) Stay! Enjoy the photos. The "news". This blog is for absolutely EVERYBODY. Lurkers ... pull up a chair and pour a cuppa.

Blog 2 is for those who express that they would be both interested in and COMFORTABLE enough to read it. It's for me ... first and foremost. Some of it may be funny and light ... but some of it will definitely be heavy. So it really might not be *for* you. But it may be for you if you are a problem solver who wants to be vexed. Who wants to cry. Who wants to be a little outraged. Who can handle sexually explicit themes. "Children in peril" and the emotional aftermath that hearing a story like that MAY generate. Who can handle a little swearing. Who wants to sink their teeth into an unsolved mystery and hear a secret that NOBODY (nobody here-in defined as one stranger) else knows about me and frankly ... I've NEVER heard ANYWHERE ELSE. Nobody. Anywhere. Which is why, of course, I keep it a secret.

Because it's weird. OK. And once people figure it out they use it to take advantage of me. Think financial wipe out. Think date rape. Think big. That's why I hide it. It's like I can't turn it around so I can't trust anyone because I don't know if they can see it or if they will hurt me so I always have to hide. So I am always exhausted. Always on the defensive in "close quarters"... I always need to know where the door is.

I really do believe that one person has seen it and NOT used it against me. Or at least he saw something about it. He saw the worry it causes me. He just said "you say you are joyful ... but what I see is worry." It was like spending my whole life thinking I had this invisibility cloak on and all of a sudden, TUG. Off it comes and you know you aren't fooling anyone. At least ... you aren't fooling this guy. You guys! The weird and amazing feeling that came along with that? That came with being SEEN? The liberation? HE SAW ME. He saw me and I was still SAFE. I couldn't do anything but cry. I'm crying again now just thinking about it. The closest description I can think of is flexing a muscle like, FOREVER, and when you finally relax it you feel the warm tingle of the blood flowing through your limb again. You didn't even KNOW you weren't relaxing until you relaxed. He relaxed me. When I sat with him ... I could actually relax.
I have felt that effect a few times in my life ... but it has been rare. And never as powerful as it was sitting with him and never in that "package" ... with the honesty and the caring. Just talking with him and never running out of subjects. The feeling of just being able to let go of all of those long sticks with plates balanced and spinning on them because you aren't fooling this person anyway with your little smoke and mirrors show ... the "see? I'm OK. Really I am." show. Because he see's through it. So you may as well just take those plates down. Go put them in the cupboard and just talk with me. Just go for a walk with me. It's like it created what I'm going to call "a molecular memory" ... it re-structured me. It changed what I want. Or maybe I have always wanted it but never known it was possible to feel it until someone on the outside worked it in for me. So maybe if someone on the outside can do it ... maybe I can do it.

I want to feel that way all the time. Hence blog 2. I'm going to find the answer. I'm going to create my OWN safety.

If you feel like you WANT to participate in blog 2.... if you want to help me find the answer.... just e mail me for the password and the blog address.